


An Invincible Summer

by FivePips



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Hollywood, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drug Abuse, Hollywood, Homophobia, M/M, Oscars, POV Alternating, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Assault, Slow Burn, Substance Abuse, award season, golden globes, me too, past trauma, sags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-03-07 18:53:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 34,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13441095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FivePips/pseuds/FivePips
Summary: Remus needs a break from Hollywood and every single rom-com he keeps getting offered. Where his agent suggest he goes lives a now reclusive former actor, Sirius Black. Sirius got away from the industry for a few years to deal with past trauma but in that time he was working on his first screenplay. Their meeting sets forth a set of events that lead Sirius down a road to face demons in his past while finding in himself the strength to rise.“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”-- Albert Camus





	1. Meetcute Not So Much

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this and thought I was going one way (just a actor on a vacation) but then I decided to go another (actually the whole movie production and everything after). I hope you like the new direction as much as I do! I've been in bed with a stomach bug since Thursday so I did a lot of writing on this and worked out my plot and direction. I hope you enjoy it but please be aware for the tags.

Remus Lupin was sick of the limelight that starting as the dorky but lovable male lead in now what was far too many rom-coms. He was sure that he was just daft. He should have loved his career more because being in movies was what he dreamed up of as a child. All of his roles were beginning to feel the same to him. Dorky but lovable bloke falls for pretty girl, and there’s some conflict that doesn’t let them stay happily ever after but they eventually solve it, and they get married. He wanted something more challenging, but he was apparently stuck in that ridiculous role ever since his first big mainstream hit.

“I think I need a holiday. Or something. I just need to get away from here for a bit.” Remus groaned, leaning back in the chair at his agent’s office. She was just telling him about another role that he was now being offered. It sounded exactly like the rest of them. What did he have to do to be taken seriously?

Minerva McGonagall, his agent, sighed. “I’m trying, Remus. I want you to act in roles that you want, but nothing’s coming in on that front. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” He frowned. “I’m just going to be the Liam Neeson of romantic comedies. But once I get to a certain age no one wants an old bloke in one of the movies. Why can’t I be taken seriously? I started with an indie drama, for christ sakes.” He complained, running a hand through his hair. “Maybe I should go to the theater. That’s what other actors have done, right? Maybe it’d be good for me.”

“Maybe you should get away.” She sighed. “At the last opening, you looked like you wanted to pull your teeth out of all by yourself.”

“Not that getting away will get me a part that I actually like.”

“But it could help you recharge. Who knows, maybe you’ll find some inspiration and decide to do something different with your path. The theater could be the answer. But I think a holiday will do you well. I'll put out some feelers for show castings while you're gone.”

The only path Remus knew was acting since he was in primary school. He studied drama, worked his arse off through drama school, and eventually got recognized after a few small parts in a few crummy movies when The High Point of the Sky hit reasonably big. He wasn’t the lead in the movie but he was a secondary, and someone apparently saw something they liked him. The same thing that was apparently liked about all romantic leads in every single film he had ever been in since The High Point of the Sky. Most of his fans hadn’t even seen it and none of the talk shows he had been on ever mentioned the role.

He hated that he disliked this branch of the path he took because it was what he wanted, wasn’t it? How could someone hate their dreams so much when they were living them? Remus was sure that he just was some spoiled brat now thanks to Hollywood. He should be thankful for everything that he had. He grew up in a family that had to scrape together everything they had. Now he never wanted for a thing, and neither did his mum and dad back in England. It’s not as if he was extravagant. He still tried to be as modest as possible and never went overboard in spending. He should be thanking god or whatever higher being every day for his career. So why did he feel so bloody stuck?

***

Five weeks later, Remus was flying to the Greek Island of Corfu on Minerva’s recommendation. He had finished all his scheduled obligations and was ready to fall off the face of the earth for a while. On top of the recommendation of a destination, Minerva also suggested a few different cottages to stay at. He settled on a beautiful cottage in the village of Liapades for a long-term rental as it was the ‘off season’ for tourist. Remus was going to be staying there the whole month. He was hoping this reset would give him a brand new outlook on life and his career.

His cottage was cozy and tidy. It felt fresh, just like he wanted to feel. There were a few walls of beautiful stone that added character. Everything from the painted walls to the kitchen appliances was soft creams, pinks, and teals. Remus wondered if it were possible to just quit acting all together and become a hermit in this little flat. Not that he wanted to be a hermit because outside the doors was the quaint village of Liapades and the beautiful mountains and not too far the gorgeous sea. No wonder why Minerva suggested he come to this place. It was indeed the most beautiful place that he had visited so far in his life. It also had fresh start written all over it.

Deciding that he needed a few days away from people, Remus went to the store the first day to get enough food to hold him over for a bit then hunkered down with his laptop and a few books. It was nice not having to see people, as rude as that may sound. But Remus knew that he needed the isolation for a while. The books, movies, and telly did a great job of making him shut his brain off for a bit. But after four days of it, he was desperate for some human interaction.

The issue with being a fairly famous film star was having to worry about people bothering him no matter where he was. For instance, one night some bloke cornered him in the bathroom to regale him with a tale about how he brought his girl to one of Remus’ movies and then proposed to her. Not wanting to bring any attention to himself, he decided to wear his glass out. Clark Kent it if you will. He just really hoped that he wouldn’t be bothered. He felt like any locals would hopefully let him be, but if he did run into some tourist, then it might be over. There was not any paparazzi around, at least to his knowledge.

After exploring a few of the shops close to his flat, Remus decided to sit down for a late lunch in a cafe up the road from his cottage. He got a seat in the corner by the window and began to look through the menu. It was in Greek and English. On the back was a story about how the couple who owned it produced the wine from a winery not too far from the village. They had met in uni when the bloke came to Corfu for a holiday with his family and instantly fell in love with the woman. It sounded sweet, and Remus thought it’d make an excellent movie. Not that he’d want to star in that, but it would draw an excellent audience for someone.

Once he ordered from a server who seemed oddly familiar, he realized that he was being looked at funny by a man close to the bar. He had wild dark hair and glasses and was leaning against the server’s station. Remus knew that the bloke recognized who he was, he could just feel it. But instead of saying anything, he went back to what probably was the kitchen. Remus hoped that he would be able to eat in peace after not seeing the man for a few minutes. Remus felt like he should have worn a hat out as well.

When his glass of wine was brought over it was not by the waiter who had taken his order. He was a bit surprised because he instantly recognized him, “Sirius Black?” Sirius, the good-looking man standing in front of him was a former movie star. He was one of the biggest names in Hollywood until he fell off the face of the earth over two years ago. Sirius had started his acting career early, thanks to what were horrible parents. Eventually, he evolved from child star to a big-time movie star. He had briefly met Sirius a handful of times but never really got to know the man that well outside of a superficial acquaintance.

Remus had heard a lot of rumors about how the man struggled with substance abuse. Some people speculated that he was living on a farm and raising sheep somewhere in the countryside. Or that he had found some commune in the rainforest and had like six wives. Remus didn’t buy into any of those rumors or speculation. The man clearly didn’t want anything to do with the business anymore and took himself out of it. Remus could understand, he knew that Sirius’ parents were managers that drove him to work so hard when he was young. Remus was sure the man probably burnt out.

“Remus Lupin. Who sent you? Was it Dumbledore? He knows I don’t want to act anymore.” Sirius took a seat in the chair across from Remus, looking a bit agitated.

“I wanted to go on holiday and my agent — Minerva McGonagall — sent me here,” Remus informed the former actor. He had no idea how Minerva knew about this place or why she suggested it. It didn’t surprise him that they wanted Sirius back. Sirius was a big draw, and some comeback story would be great for anyone involved. But Remus wasn’t interested in doing anyone’s dirty work. Plus, he thought Sirius should do as he pleased.

“Ugh, they’re mates. I bet she did it on purpose. Christ. You’re not here to try to get me to come back, are you?” Sirius put a hand over his face and took a deep breath.

“No.” Remus laughed. “I honestly didn’t even know you were here. I just want some time to myself.”

Sirius seemed to soften and relax a bit. “Well, you’re in the right place. Sorry that I noticed you.”

“It’s fine. You’re here to be away too, right?”

“Right.” Sirius frowned, glancing over his shoulder. “The locals leave you alone, so that’s nice. I haven’t had any paps out here at all. I try to stay hidden during the height of tourist season. You’re here at a good time.”

“Brilliant.” Remus grinned at the other man. “The waiter is your brother, isn’t it?” He asked after the realization as the man came walking over with his plate. He had the same black hair and icy blue eyes as Sirius.

“Yes, he is. That’s Regulus. Not normally a waiter, though. He’s usually out back, but we’re waiting for the night blokes to get here. He’s not a fan of working up front.” Sirius shrugged as his brother set down Remus’ plate. “He’s deaf. My parents kept their quote, unquote broken son out of the limelight. So that’s why you never heard of him.” Sirius said with a grimace, signing at the same time.

“Bad pun.” Regulus rolled his eyes. “I have a hearing aid but it’s shite sometimes, especially when it’s loud in here.” He explained in a slight deaf accent. “Are you here to take Sirius away? He’s driving all of us barmy. He needs to go back to work.”

“No, I didn’t even know Sirius was here. We don’t even really know one another.” Remus said to Regulus.

“Well, you should get him to think about it at least. Enjoy your meal.” Regulus said then signed something to Sirius, who blushed but scoffed. The gesture Sirius made in return was rude, and one that Remus recognized.

“So, sorry for bothering you,” Sirius spoke after Regulus walked away from the table. “I always wondered how Dumbledore would try to get me back and I never thought it would be through someone that I don’t really know well.”

“I apologize for not knowing the real motive of being sent here. Minerva also suggested the place where I’m staying. How’d she know that I’d end up coming here?”

“Bound to happen.” Sirius sighed. “You should come up to the Potter’s winery at some point. Effie will love having someone else to feed.”

“Oh, that’s nice of you, but I don’t want to impose.” Remus shook his head.

“It’s a touristy opportunity if you were looking for one. But I understand if you’re not interested. You’re just the first person that I’ve seen that’s from my past in like two years, which is crazy to me.” Sirius laughed, standing up. “Enjoy your meal, mate. Stop by again, everything on the menu is brilliant, and that’s not just me saying that.” He nodded before leaving Remus alone at his table.

Sitting there alone with his meal, Remus thought about the few times that he did meet Sirius back in Hollywood. Each time the man was utterly wasted with a pretty young actress hanging off of his arm. He seemed a bit stuck up, and there were so many rumors going around that Sirius was a diva on set. He was always late for shooting, and he had strange demands. But this Sirius here didn’t remind him much of the one back in the States. This bloke was laid back and smiling once he lost that tenseness from thinking Remus was there to get him to come back to acting. He wasn’t drunk or high. He seemed happy.

For whatever reason that Sirius was here on the island it clearly did something good for him. Remus didn’t want to disappear forever, as Sirius seemed to, but he could understand why Sirius would do it here in this village. It was small, but it wasn’t too small. It was beautiful and enchanting. The food was also brilliant. He was sure that the people were great too, he just hadn’t had much interaction with anyone yet.

After finishing his meal, Remus paid the bill and also left behind his address and number for Sirius. He figured it might be nice to have a mate to show him around for the month that he was here. Seeing the winery would be nice too. Remus was a bit too hasty for turning it down.

_Sirius,_  
_Here’s my number and address. I think I might take you up on that offer to come to the winery if the offer is still on the table._  
_—Remus_


	2. A Budding Friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus goes the the winery and the friendship between the actor and former actor blossoms.

The next day, Remus was sitting on his laptop trying to decide what he wanted to do with himself the rest of the day. He thought about a hike but he wasn’t sure where to go for that, and the internet wasn’t much help. The beach may have been lovely but it wasn’t very sunny out. Another day in bed was seeming like it was calling out to him. He knew he should have been exploring on this holiday because it was so beautiful but he was very comfortable in his cottage that he just didn’t see the need.

When he was about to shut his laptop both his phone and his desktop notification alerted him that he had a message. Surprisingly, or not really, it was Sirius.

_Hi Remus, it’s Sirius. You round your cottage? I’ve been sent with a welcome basket but I don’t want to stop in if you’re not there._

**Sure, come over.**

Remus shut his laptop and quickly cleaned up the kitchen and living area of the cottage, so Sirius didn’t think he was disgusting. Living like a depressed bachelor seemed to do a number on his accommodations really. He did need to get out. He had been in Liapades for nearly a week now and was just best mates with his mattress.

When he did open the door, he was actually happy that he didn’t venture out that day because it was down pouring when Remus went to greet Sirius.

“Heavens opened up. Hopefully, nothing in the basket was ruined. Effie put a bag over it before I left because it looked like rain.” Sirius explained as he came in. “Have I explained who Effie is yet? I’m sorry, I forget how to interact with people I don’t really know.”

“No, you haven’t, but I can figure out with context clues.” Remus laughed, directing Sirius to put the basket on the table. “Would you like some tea while you explain in more detail? You’re soaked.”

“Sure, that’d be brilliant. But, ah, Effie is my best mate’s mum. I think I mentioned her when I said she’d feed you at the winery the other day.”

“Ah, so your best mate’s parents are the ones I read about on the back of the menu.” Remus nodded as he went to fill the kettle.

“Yeah, they have a love story for the ages. I’m sure you’re jealous you haven’t played her husband Monty as a leading man yet.”

“Mmm, I’m sort of over rom-coms. I know I’m probably too young to be saying that and it’s not as if I’ve done a ton but with the way things are going—”

“Mate, I was over action movies. I get it. Don't apologize for it.” Sirius said, taking the bag off of the straw basket. “Well, I was over Hollywood.”

“I could understand why. I’m not totally over it. I love acting still, just not my roles.”

“Understandable. You’re a great actor, and you’re stuck with these daft parts.”

Remus raised an eyebrow as he got out two mugs. “You think I’m a great actor.”

“Trouble Comes is one of my favorite movies. I mean, the other actors are mostly shite, but the story is wonderful, and you were bloody amazing. At the end when it’s revealed that you were the killer the whole time... holy fucking shite. You didn’t even say anything. You just conveyed it in skin-crawling look. Amazing,” Sirius shook his head.

“You’ve seen Trouble Comes.” Remus was shocked. He was sure only his family and friends had seen that movie. It was one of his favorites in his career, but it was before he hit it big. It was shot on weekends to accommodate everyone’s schedule, and there was basically zero budget.

“Yeah, why?” Sirius furrowed his brow. “I’m a film buff, I’ve seen so many movies.”

“You’re just the first person ever to compliment me on that film.”

“That’s because everyone else sucks.” Sirius chuckled as Remus took a seat at the small table. “You’re a great actor, who’s stuck purgatory. Have you tried theater yet?”

“I was thinking about it.”

“You should. I know some people. I’m sure I could help you out.”

“You’re very nice,” Remus said, trying not to sound too much like an arsehole because he was sort of amazed. This wasn't who he thought Sirius was as a person.

“I know, I had a reputation. I can be a hot head, but it was circumstances for why I was acting as horrible as I was. That’s not who I really am. I am a nice bloke, I think. I hope. I try at least.” Sirius said with a laugh. “I hope in our previous interactions I wasn’t too horrid.”

“No, not to me. You were always nice.”

“I was always wasted, I’d say.” He huffed a breath. “Also, not who I am. Ah, sorry if I’m just sort of being a lot right now. Again, I forgot how to interact with other humans I guess.”

“I like the honesty. It’s refreshing from all the bullshite I normally have to hear.” Remus grinned at the other man.

“Here, let's change the conversation because I sound more like an arse and look at what Effie packed. She went all out with local stuff. Olives, wine, grapes, olive oil, kumquats, mandolato, ginger beer, honey, and she made sorfrito, which is good reheated. She didn’t want anything that couldn’t be reheated for you.”

“This really nice of her.” Remus looked through the basket.

“It’s just how she is. How all of the Potter’s are, actually.” Sirius said as the kettle whistled.

“Well, I’d like to thank her personally.” Remus went to go take care of the tea.

“Meaning, you’re interested in coming up to the winery.”

“If it wouldn’t be an imposition.”

“It won’t be.” Sirius smiled as Remus poured the water into both cups. “She’s already insisted I bug you for what date you’d like to come up.”

“What about Friday?”

“That’s good. We’ll do dinner, but you can come up early for a tour and such.”

“That sounds great. Is there a bus that goes up there?” Remus asked. He was relying on public transport because he hated driving in places he didn’t know.

“I’ll pick you up. No worries.” Sirius assured. “I think it takes a bit to get the bus up there and then it’s a walk.”

“Thanks. I wasn’t expecting to see anyone I knew here, but I’m glad I did. I’m also glad to get to know you other than a few passing meetings.”

“Me too,” Sirius said as Remus brought the two cups of tea over to the table. “Milk, sugar?”

“Both please.”

The two men spent another hour just talking. Mostly Sirius told Remus about what he should do on the island while he was on it for the next few weeks. He was also willing to show him around, as he usually spent his days just helping out at the winery. He didn’t do much outside of that. Sirius did mention writing but didn’t elaborate on what he was writing. Remus was curious but didn’t want to press his newfound friend. Sirius also asked for some gossip from the industry because he seemed to be dying for it. “It’s my last guilty pleasure. Gossip.” He laughed before Remus told him some things he had heard.

“Well, this was fun. Thanks for putting up with me.”

“I wasn’t putting up with you.” Remus rolled his eyes as they stood at the door. “You’re great to talk to. I wish we got to know one another before.”

“I don’t think I would have wanted you to know me,” Sirius said a bit sadly. “So be happy we’re only meeting now.”

“Okay, I’ll take your word.”

“Have the sorfrito for dinner, it’s amazing,” Sirius said before opening the door. “If you need a tour guide, don’t forget to text.”

“I won’t. Thanks, Sirius.” Remus said, watching the man going out into the rain. At least it wasn’t down pouring anymore.

***

A little less than a week later, Remus was waiting for Sirius to pick him up to go to the winery. He had spent a few days exploring the island of Corfu with Sirius. They had gone on a hike and visited a few beaches, though it was a little too chilly to swim. He had also gone to dinner twice at the Potter’s place down the way from his flat. He got to know James a bit, who was Sirius best mate. They had met when Sirius went to boarding school for two years before being pulled into Hollywood. They never lost touch and stayed best mates all along. Remus was a bit jealous of their friendship because Remus was always shite at keeping friends. Except for Dorcas and Marlene, who wouldn’t let him drive them away even if he wanted.

This friendship with Sirius was just so strange to him. He had never thought to want any sort of friendship with the man in the past. He really didn’t have much of an opinion of Sirius at all. He had heard the rumors, which many were true it seemed, and that sort of made him not interested in making more than a slight acquaintance with Sirius. The other man appeared to be thrilled that Remus wasn’t holding his past against him though. Remus didn’t have any reason to hold Sirius’ past against the man. He had cleaned up and was just trying to be happy.

Sirius arrived in his Fiat right on time. “Ready?” He asked as Remus climbed in.

“Yes, thanks for picking me up.”

“If I didn’t, I’m sure one of the Potters would have. They can be overwhelming with their hospitality. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. My cousin’s joining us for dinner, by the way. She lives in the town of Corfu, where Ted her husband is from. They’re not as overwhelming as Effie and Monty.” Sirius explained to Remus as he began to drive.

“That’s fine. I’m not worried.” Remus laughed. “I am an actor so even if I hated it, who’d know?”

Sirius snorted a laugh. “That is true. How is your break from acting going?”

“I think it’s what I needed.”

“That’s good. You belong on the screen. Or stage. You have got an amazing gift.”

“You were a great actor too,” Remus said.

“I hated it. You love to act, I can tell. You’re just not getting the right parts. I probably could have had any part, but I stuck with action films once I got old enough because at least they were fun to do.” Sirius shrugged. “I don’t belong in front of the camera.”

“Where do you belong?”

“Behind it somewhere.” He smiled. “I’m writing a screenplay. Well, I’m nearly done.”

“That’s brilliant,” Remus said with wide eyes.

“It’s shite, I’m sure. I’ve let my brother, James, and Lily read it, but I know they’re only saying nice things because I don’t know what I’m doing with my life anymore.”

“I’ve only interacted with your brother a little, but I think that he wouldn’t just be nice to you to spare your feelings. He seems pretty straightforward.”

“Yeah, I don’t know.” Sirius shrugged one shoulder. “It’s hard coming from people who love me.”

“So you need it to come from someone who doesn’t love you?” Remus raised an eyebrow. “If you want, I’ll give it a read.”

“I’m not sure if I’m ready to let it out of my family just yet. You see my dilemma?” Sirius sighed. “But when I’m ready, you’ll be at the top of the list to read it.”

Remus wanted to ask more about it but decided to give Sirius space on it. If Sirius wanted Remus to know more about the screenplay, then he’d talk about it. The rest of the ride was spent talking about the surroundings and Sirius detailing the people the Remus was about to meet. He knew James, who was overexcitable but a very nice bloke. He also was familiar with Sirius’ sarcastic brother, Regulus. But he was looking forward to meeting everyone else.

There was Euphemia, who was a local whose family had owned the winery for over a hundred years. She was everyone’s mother and cared for Sirius and Regulus like her own. Effie was married to Monty, who was a now a non-practicing lawyer. He handled a lot of the business side of the winery and made it internationally known thanks to his brilliance. Lily was James’ wife. She had attended the same boarding school as James and Remus in England. She was supposedly smart and hilarious. Then there was Andi Tonks, who was Sirius’ cousin. She had met her husband Ted while visiting Sirius on holiday once then just never went home essentially. They had a daughter Nym, who was three years old.

When they got to the winery, Remus was struck by how beautiful the view over the fields was. It was breathtaking. Sirius led him into the house on the property. He was greeted by Euphemia and Lily, who were chatting in the kitchen. “Oh, Remus, it’s nice to meet you finally.”

“Finally, it’s been like a week,” Sirius chuckled.

She was just as warm as Sirius had described. Lily was kind and welcoming as well. James and Monty came in from somewhere else in the house, and they all chatted for a bit. They were informed that The Tonks were in the village and would be back in time for dinner. Before that Monty and Effie insisted on taking Remus on a tour of the winery. It was fascinating because he had never been to a winery before. He also loved the historical details from the two because he was a bit of a swot.

By the time they got back to the house for dinner, Remus felt like he knew everything about the Potters and the winery. Remus wanted to be adopted by them, even though he had a set of perfectly good parents back at home. He was happy to have a few stand-ins for the time being, though. All the Potters and Tonks were lovely. Remus understood even more why Sirius stayed in Greece.

“Did you enjoy yourself tonight?” Sirius asked as he drove them back towards town. Sirius stayed in a cottage not too far from where Remus was residing for the month.

“Yeah, they’re all so nice.”

“Aren’t they just?” He laughed as he navigated the car down the curvy roads. “They’re the opposite of what I grew up with. I sort of just attached myself to the Potters. Thankfully they took to me.”

“I don’t know why they wouldn’t.”

“Oh come off it, Remus, you know that I can be a twat. You heard every single rumor, and mostly all of them were right.”

“My favorite rumor about why you left is that you went to live in a commune in the rainforest with you six wives. That was wrong, apparently.”

Sirius laughed loudly. “That’s the opposite of what I want.”

“An igloo in the arctic with six husbands?”

“No, just a nice place maybe around here with one bloke would be fine,” Sirius said with a frown. “I’m gay by the way. Was that a good rumor?”

“Every other bloke has a rumor that they’re gay.” Remus had always wondered if Sirius was gay, only because he seemed to date women at such a fast clip, that it was almost too hard to believe that he was such a womanizer. He wasn’t, and they were just beards.

“You know, you’re fairly rumor-less,” Sirius said. “At least you were when I was around. But maybe I was too self-absorbed to hear anything.”

“I’m very bland.” Remus snickered. “There’s not much to gossip about me because I don’t really offer much.”

“You’ve dated some pretty starlets.”

“Are you trying to work out if I’m gay or not?” Remus questioned with a raised eyebrow.

“Maybe, just because I can’t help myself. It’s the gossip. Don’t worry. I’m not interested in outing anyone.”

“I’m bi. I just don’t really date though.”

“Well, I’m sure one day you’ll make someone very happy. You seem like a good bloke.” Sirius smiled over at him quickly. “Until then, are you planning on staying in the closet?”

“I’ve been advised to. Don’t want to ruin my marketability in rom-com hell.” Remus scoffed.

“You’ll get out of there. I hope. Someone has to see your talent, Lupin. It’s brilliant. I don’t get the business. Some blokes can get anything they want for one reason or another then you get people with actual talent and they’re just sort of tossed by the wayside. At least you're not a woman or person of color -- or both. The bussiness is utter shite there.”

“I know. I try not to think about it too much or I’ll lose my mind. And I am thankful that I have some sort of success.”

“Well, you still have plenty of time to enjoy yourself here. So, what are you going to do tomorrow?”

“I’m not sure.”

“We could go to a different village. There’s plenty to see and do around here.”

“You know, I trust you as a tour guide. So take me where ever. I think you’ll show me a good time.”

“I’m sure I will.”


	3. The Screenplay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius works on his screenplay and says good bye to Remus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //....// Dialogue denotes Sirius and Regulus conversing through BLS.

Sirius picked at his cuticles as he stared off into space. That was never good because he was going to end up with at least one bloody nailbed. But his brain was busy doing some mental gymnastics. He was almost done with his screenplay, which he desperately wanted to get made. The thought of going to back to all that set off that switch of anxiety. He spent years miserable in show business. He was forced to work on projects he hated, with people he hated, and by people he hated. But he loved making films, and he loved the creativity of it all. He had dreamt of writing his own screenplay for ages and eventually he did. It was an on and off thing because when he started, he wasn’t in the best place. Some mornings he'd look back on it and wonder what the hell he had been thinking. It wasn’t until the last few months that he was actually able to get his thoughts down on paper.

Now that he was almost done, he was one step closer to submitting it in order to begin development on it. Sirius desperately wanted to direct and have a lot of say on how things went because this was his child. He was going to have to find a studio that would let him do that. He was sure Pete would let him have his way. Hopefully, he would be able to do it and handle it all mentally. Make it through the muck of it all, to be able to enjoy what he loved about the film industry. He wanted to feel the joy of wrapping a great scene or being nominated for an award again. Sirius missed the feeling of being in a critical scene and everyone just nailing it. He missed when the chemistry on set was just perfect.

Being with Remus made this joy more tangible. Remus, although a bit burnt out and annoyed, loved to act. They talked for hours about the craft and just about film in general. Remus was his Alan, he just knew it from the moment they started talking. He would be the perfect lead for his movie. It would also help the man get out of his rom-com hell. But what casting director would listen to him and believe Sirius? He’d have to make them watch Trouble Comes and The High Point of the Sky. Remus Lupin deserved to be noticed for all the talent that he had.

Sirius shut his laptop with a sigh. He was having too much trouble sorting out a scene that was very important to the whole story. Nothing seemed to be working dialogue-wise. Maybe he needed someone else to look at it. Was he ready for Remus to see? That was the real question. It was one thing for James, Lily, or his brother to look at his work. They probably were just being kind, not wanting to hurt him. He had been through enough, and undoubtedly they assumed his ego was fragile. What would Remus say if it wasn’t good? He really wasn’t sure if he wanted to find out. Not that Remus was cruel, but he wasn’t ready for any type of rejection at the moment from someone like he got on with so well.

There was a knock on his door, breaking him from his thoughts. It was cracked open, and Reg poked his head in.

//What is it?// Sirius signed, trying his best not to seem annoyed. He and Regulus had a difficult past. The boy was basically shipped off and hidden to keep all eyes on Sirius all of the time. He hated what his parents did to his brother, probably more than what his parents did and let happen to him. Mainly because he felt like it was his fault. The guilt of that hung around him, and sometimes he wanted to do everything possible to make sure Reg didn't hate him.

//How is the writing going?//

//Fine. I sm just stuck.//

//Remus might be able to help.//

//I am not going to pass it off to Remus.//

//He is smart and knowledgeable about film. I am sure he would love to help. You two have been spending enough time together this last month. You should feel comfortable with him.// Regulus took a seat on the edge of Sirius’ bed.

//I do but—//

//You are afraid.// Regulus made a face to show his disapproval of that emotion. //If you want to get this movie made, you’re going to have to put yourself out there.//

Sirius cringed at the thought of being vulnerable. His vulnerability had hurt him so much in the past. He grew a thick layer of armor to make sure that no one would hurt him again.

//You are too talented to let all this shit get in the way. You have been doing so well to move on from the past. I think it’s time to take the next step.// Regulus smiled at him kindly. //And when you start shooting, I want to have some type of role in the film.//

//My personal assistant.//

He rolled his eyes. //I really do want to help.//

//I will put you in the film.//

//Nepotism.//

//You would be good.//

“I really wouldn’t be,” Regulus said as if to point out his accent.

Sirius just shook his head.

//I could not be your Alan. You already have him.//

//You think so too?// Sirius raised an eyebrow at his brother.

//No doubt in my mind. Remus would be amazing.//

//I am glad that we agree on something.//

//Well, you can’t get him to star in your film if you don’t make the damn thing. Unless if you are going to be lame and just shoot it yourself on a handheld.//

//I will do it. I just have to finish it.//

//Then finish it, you bastard.// Regulus’ signs were aggressive. //I will leave you to it.// He stood back up.

Sirius glared at his brother as he left the room, but after a moment he turned back to his laptop and open it. He did want it. He wanted to shoot the film. He wanted Remus to play the lead. There was so much that he wanted from this, but there was still so much fear. But his life had already been spent in so much fear, he needed to find ways to overcome it. It wasn’t that easy. Even when he spoke to his therapists or specialists, things magically didn’t get better. It had taken him two years just to get to a decent headspace. Surrounded by the right people, Sirius hoped that he could get it together and do the film.

***

The month of carting Remus around seemed to have flown by. He hadn’t made a new real friend since he met Lily and James at Hogwarts all those years ago. Everyone else was kept at an arm's length because, why would he want to let anyone close? He’d just have to lie to them anyway. There wasn’t lying to Remus. He even came out on the second day. He had never told anyone in the industry before that he was gay. It felt a bit freeing. Somehow knew that Remus wouldn’t be going around and talking about it. He hadn’t told Remus everything about his life and what was true versus what was a rumor, but the other man never pressed. He was just there.

Sirius was sad that his new friend was going to be leaving and going back to Hollywood, but the man did have obligations to get to. He had press for an animated movie that he voiced in. Apparently, he couldn’t get out of that without causing a big stir. Remus had contemplated trying to stay, but he was contractually obligated to be there. After that, he wasn’t sure what he was going to do. He had offers on the table, but he hadn’t accepted or rejected anything.

On Remus’ last night on the island, Sirius brought dinner, wine, and his screenplay with him to Remus’ cottage. He decided that he needed to at least show the other man. He wasn’t sure if he could outright ask Remus if he could play Alan yet. That would be a bit like putting the cart before the horse, wouldn't it? He didn’t know if he’d ever get this movie made. He couldn’t get Remus’ hopes up and then just dash them when nothing came about.

“Hiya, mate,” Remus said with a smile when he opened his door. “You didn’t need to come coming by.”

“No problem wanted to say goodbye. Plus, I came bearing gifts.” Sirius adjusted the carry-all bag on his shoulder. “Hope you’re still not full from everything Effie fed you yesterday because she gave me more.” He chuckled as he followed Remus into the kitchen of the little cottage. He was going to miss the place. He wondered if he could buy it. It was far nicer than the one that he was living in.

“God, I’m sure I’ve gained some weight. My PA, Hestia, she’s going to give me an earful when I get back.”

“I’m sure you’re fine.” Sirius snorted a laugh. “Are you hungry? I’ll heat up dinner.”

“Yeah, I am. I’ll finish packing while you’re at it. I’m almost done, then I have the rest of the night to myself.”

“Good.” Sirius smiled as he went to work.

Once Remus sat down for dinner, he noticed that the bag that was on the table wasn’t empty. “How come that looks like a script?” He pointed to the bag with his fork.

“Because it’s a script.”

Remus looked surprised. “Is it your script? The one you’ve mentioned?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re going to let me read it?” Remus said with wide eyes.

“I think so. I’m almost done, and Regulus told me that I needed to get my head out of my arse and get some other opinions on it before I sent it off.”

“You’re really that close?”

Sirius swallowed hard, feeling his anxiety creeping in a bit.

“I’m going to scarf this down then you and I are reading it through. I don’t care if late I’m up. I’ll sleep on the plane.” Remus said then immediately began eating.

Sirius wanted to take his time, but Remus’ enthusiasm seemed to affect his because even though he was scared, he was also excited now. They barely spoke as they ate and soon Remus was clearing away the dishes, grabbing the script, and walking into the living room. He settled in on to the sofa and looked at Sirius expectantly. “Christ, Lupin.”

“I haven’t read a decent script in ages. Please, let me have this.”

“You don’t even know if it’s good,” Sirius said as he sat down next to Remus.

“Well, I’ll find out.” He paused before turning to the first page. “Black. Voice over Alan. ‘Sometimes things happen in your life that change its course with such force it leaves you gasping for air.’ Fade in. The Neil’s dining room. Only plates and hands are seen as the camera tracks down the table. The talking is muffled as the camera moves to reveal Alan Neil staring resolutely at his plate. As we see Alan, the dialogue becomes clear.” Remus said with a smile on his face before reading on in a proper posh accent, “Those queers are absolutely ruining the country.” He paused and laughed. “That’s a way to pull us in here.”

“It’s too much.” Sirius groaned.

“I don’t know. I need to read on, I think.” Remus and Sirius took turns reading through as Alan and his family are introduced as a wealthy upper-class family who are enjoying dinner and talking about current events. The main current event in question was the upcoming Gay Rights march in 1972, the first of its kind in the UK. The conversation is happening around the main character, Alan, who visibly becomes more and more irritated until he eventually erupts and tells his family that he’s gay. “I like the premise so far,” Remus said after Alan dramatically packed up a bag and left his family home. “One of the better pieces of dialogue I’ve come across in a while.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“I’m being honest. It feels genuine. Real, as if you’ve lived it.” Remus leaned forward a little.

Sirius bit his lip and shrugged. “Essentially, except it wasn’t 1972 and only one of the people involved at this dinner was doling out the verbal lashing to me.”

Remus grimaced and put a hand on Sirius' knee, “Sorry. No one should have to go through that.” Remus squeezed his knee before sitting back. “So, it’s this based on you in some alternate timeline.”

“No, it’s roughly based on my uncle actually.” Sirius pushed himself up a little. He had been slouching into the sofa as Remus began to read. “I was talking about my mum— his sister -- referring to who was there for me coming out. It’s not totally based on his life, just inspired by. He did go through this part, and he did end up in bloody Wales in the mines for a few years.”

“That’s where this is going!” Remus whistled as he flipped through the pages.

“That’s pretty much where the comparisons stop.”

“What happens, give me a quick rundown. I’m interested. It might help me if I know what you’re going for.”

“So, after a few nights in the rough Alan goes up to Wales after seeing an ad for miners and gets room and board there. He has to share it with this other bloke, Elis.”

“Ah, love interest.” Remus nodded.

“Yes. But love interest isn’t very interested. Well, he is, but he’s scared and unsure. There’s this girl, Catrin, who fancies Alan.”

“Love triangle. Classic but good.”

“Alan and Elis…they have this flirtation that eventually comes to a head one drunken night. But the next day Alan finds out that Catrin is pregnant with Elis' baby. Sort of the motivation to why Elis gives into his feelings for Alan. He’s all thrown off and just making bad choices left and right.”

“Oh boy.”

“Well, Elis is going to the right honorable thing for back then and is going to marry Catrin. About a month later Alan misses a day of work because he’s sick and there’s an accident in the mine. Elis dies, and Alan decides to marry Catrin. They don’t live happily ever after.”

“Oh, okay. I can be into this. What really happened to your uncle, if I may ask?”

“He worked the mines for about two years then moved on because he couldn’t stay in one place for forever. Eventually, he got into tech and made a shitton of money. As I said, it stops being inspired by him once we get to Wales.” Sirius laughed. “The idea, it doesn’t sound too horrid does it?”

“Anything could be horrid if it not done right. This it won’t be. And some good cinematography, a nice score, and some amazing actors. You could have yourself a hit.” Remus said before reading another page.

Before Sirius knew it, they had read through the whole thing. Remus even offered some notes on possible changes. It wasn’t as brutal as he thought it might be. “When you make this, I want in. I’ll play bloody miner number two if you please. But I want to be in it.”

“I’m not going to place you as a miner!” Sirius crowed, checking the clock to see it was now after midnight.

“Who then? Elis?”

“No.”

“The dad.”

“Bugger off. You’re Alan.” Sirius said, not wanting to meet Remus’ eye for some reason.

“Really?”

“Yes, really. I want you to play Alan. I have since we talked the first day we properly met here.” Sirius smiled shyly. “I didn’t want to tell you because what happens if I can’t get this made. I don’t want to get your hopes up.”

“Too late. I’m going to be in this. Whether it takes months or years. I love this story.” Remus held the screenplay to his chest. “I say, fix it up and finish it and send it off.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Do it. Believe me, please.” Remus basically pleaded with Sirius. “I thought you were a good actor, but Sirius you’re an amazing writer.”

Sirius felt a warmth spread through his chest at the other man’s praise. It was just so genuine that he was sure no one outside of the Potters and his good family members ever said to him. He could do it.


	4. No More Playing Around

Remus was getting very good at ripping off his plain white tee shirt and yelling ‘STELLA’ dramatically at the top of his lungs. But his run of Streetcar was about to come to an end. After returning from Greece, Remus set out to change his career. The first thing he did when he returned was go through press for That Thing, a lovely little children’s story about a swamp monster. It was actually pretty funny, Remus hated that it was the best thing in his filmography in the last few years. Once that was through, he found himself rejecting all the scripts at his fingertips. Nothing lived up to the gorgeous screenplay by Sirius he had read through before leaving Greece.

Instead of going for another movie, he found himself staring as Stanley on the West End for a limited run of 4 months. It was a great change, and everyone was just the tops. Remus thought of going on to do another play, but he decided to not jump into anything right yet. He had a feeling that something good was going to happen. Hopefully, it had something to do with Sirius and his untitled screenplay. All he wanted to do was star in it, and nothing else until it was made. That could have been bad for his career and probably wallet because it might be years before the story saw light of day. Maybe there was something else.

It had been six months since he left Greece. He hadn’t heard a thing from Sirius but he did get the occasional well wishes from both James and Lily. Even once from Effie and Monty on his birthday. He decided that after closing the play, he was going to contact Sirius if he didn’t hear from him. He wasn’t sure why he was hesitant to reach out to Sirius. It could be that he felt like Greece was another world. It was his off button. His reset. He also didn’t want to bother Sirius. There was a lot to the story of Sirius Black the Remus didn’t yet know, he was sure. He didn’t want to go digging up everything and disturbing the man’s peace. Sirius seemed happy how he was, so he didn’t want to put any pressure on the other man.

Following his last curtain call, Remus got ready to go to the party to celebrate the show, and it's success. He generally disliked these types of parties because it was a lot of navel gazing and ego stroking. But Marlene and Dorcas were there since they were both blessedly in London for separate shoots. Marlene was a lovely actress, and Dorcas was a top costumer. He worked with them both on the set the two met on, and they hit it off from there. They hadn’t grown out of touch since.

Remus gathered his things and when he opened the door, he found his PA, Hestia smiling while staring at her phone. “What’s going on Hestia?”

“Sirius Black was here for the show. He’s going to be at the wrap party. It’s huge news! Paps are bloody crawling all over the place. I bet he’s bringing news about his screenplay.” She grinned. She was sworn to secrecy about what Sirius had written because he needed to tell someone. Hestia was paid to see and hear things and stay quiet about it. She was used to it. Plus, Remus really did trust her.

“That’s fantastic.”

“You might be in luck for a job. I know you’ve been putting it off for this very reason.” Hestia said quietly as they began to walk to the stage door. “Here, let me take this. The car’s ready, I’ll be waiting for you there with these.”

Remus could barely get through the fans that were waiting because his brain was completely on the fact that Sirius Black was at the sodding wrap party. People were going to be swarming him, what the hell was he thinking? He had to be excited about something. Thankfully he got through the fans without seeming too much like an idiot in a decent amount of time and was whisked off with Hestia to the party. “You reckon he’s going to ask you to be in the movie?”

“I don’t even know if there’s a movie.” Remus reminded her. “It’s been six months. I thought he honestly forgot about me.”

“You clearly made some impression for him to come all the way out here to ask you to be in the movie.”

“Hestia, we don’t know that yet!” He complained to her.

“Right, okay, sorry.” She sat back. “Is it going to shoot in Wales?”

“Hestia…” He rolled his eyes, but she just laughed, looking at her iPhone once again.

They made it to the rented out restaurant where the party was being held. As expected, Sirius was being swarmed by half the influential people there. He seemed to be feigning interest in whatever it was the director of the play was saying to him when he noticed Remus. “Lupin!” Sirius said then made his excuses to the people around him before walking over to Remus. “Thank god you’re finally here. I couldn’t take it any longer.”

“What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to surprise you then realized that I didn’t know much about your habits here in London. So I figured the play was the best bet. I was then invited here because apparently, I’m some sort of relic, I don’t know.” He shrugged. “I wanted to tell you in person before it hit the internet and what not. My screenplay got picked up by Hogsmeade. They’re going to let me direct.”

“Sirius, that’s brilliant!”

“I wanted to ask you if you’d play Alan formally. I don’t think it’s the done thing to go about it this way. I’m sure a casting director should be contacting Minerva, and you should be reading through the script. But you’ve already read it.”

“Of course I’ll play Alan,” Remus said eagerly.

“You’re not going to ask what it pays or where we’re shooting or when we’re shooting?”

“I don’t bloody care, mate.” Remus shook his head. “I should, but I don’t because I’m that in love with that screenplay.”

Sirius actually blushed at this, which made Remus chuckle a bit. “Well, the bloke doing casting already knows and he’ll be contacting McGonagall tomorrow. So all the official stuff will be there.”

“Excellent!” Remus sighed and looked to see Hestia chatting with someone/watching them. She gave him a grin and a big thumbs up. “I’m so happy. Want a — want some water or something?” Remus knew Sirius didn’t drink alcohol and felt very clumsy to fix his question.

“No, actually, I’m heading back to my hotel. I’m bloody exhausted. I’m used to just lounging around Greece most days. Pray for me to get out here alive.”

“Why don’t you let Hestia call you my car?”

“That’d be brilliant, really, thank you, Remus.” Sirius smiled. “My lead actor.”

“My director.” Remus chuckled as he gave Hestia his sign that she was needed. She quickly ducked out of her conversation to join the two men.

“How may I be of service?” She smiled.

“Could you call Sirius my car to bring him to his hotel?”

“No problem.”

“And Sirius, this is Hestia, my PA.”

“Nice to meet you, Hestia. How’s it working with Remus?”

“Not bad. I used to work for someone not so great, so Remus is a giant step up.” She snickered before going to tap away at her phone. She used to work as an assistant PA for Tom Riddle. He treated her terribly, so Hestia quit as soon as she could. “So, are you here to ask Remus about the movie?”

“Yes, I am. Well, I was in London to sort it all out. The added bonus was asking Remus in person. He gave me a lot of good notes on my screenplay when I showed him. I know he’ll be a great lead.”

“Thank god, get him out of the bloody rom-coms!” She whispered with glee.

“Are you in town long?”

“No, I’m going to do some rewrites back in Greece starting tomorrow. I put in some ideas for who I’d liked cast and gave some location thoughts. They’re going to take care of that stuff, I’ll have final say, but I don’t need to worry about it.”

“Well, best of luck with that. I’ll be waiting for the final official word. I can’t wait to get going.” Remus wanted to hug Sirius, but he was sure that was inappropriate. But the man was about to change the path of his career.

***

Four months later, Remus was sitting in a hotel room in Cardiff waiting to meet the cast and crew. They were about to do a read through before heading out to the location the following day. And the location was OUT. It was some tiny abandoned mining village that was cleaned up and ready to go for the cast and crew. They were going to use only a few houses as shooting locations and the rest was for everything else they could need. Sirius wanted to shoot everything on location if possible. The scenes in the mines would have to be done on set, just for safety and lighting reasons. Those scenes would be done about halfway through shooting after the leads got a tour of what it was actually like in a mine.

His co-stars Mary MacDonald and Frank Longbottom weren’t exactly well-known names in the business. Sirius said that he wanted it that way, though. Mary was on a reasonably popular sitcom in the states playing a recurring minor character. She was hilarious, but Remus knew she must have been a great serious actor or Sirius wouldn’t have asked about her for any reason. Frank was known in the UK for minor roles on popular shows but was never the main star. He had yet to meet them, so he was excited to go down to the read through so even though Remus knew it was early, he headed out of his door.

In the hallway, he found Hestia chatting with Alice who was Frank’s PA for the film. He apparently didn’t have one outside of it, but Sirius thought he would need one now, so the studio provided him one. “Hiya, Remus. This is Alice.”

“Nice to formally meet you, Remus.”

“You as well, Alice. Is Frank down there yet?”

“Yeah, just headed. Mary too, I think.” She smiled at him as Regulus came walking down the hall.

Remus waved, and Regulus smiled and came to a stop with the rest of the group. “Hi, Lupin. Glad to see you’re really here. Sirius was going on about how he wanted you as Alan for so long.”

“Did he now?”

Regulus nodded before turning to the two women, “I’m Regulus Black by the way. I’m my brother’s PA. Even though I told him I’d die before I did that.”

The girls laughed as Remus saw Sirius at the elevator bank. “I’m going to go down. I’ll see you all.” He nodded to them before hustling down the hallway. He hadn’t seen Sirius said the man told him it was official and that he wanted him in the movie. “Sirius, hey.”

“Remus! Hi, how you feeling?”

“Nervous but excited. You?” Remus said quickly as they stepped on to the elevator.

“Bloody terrified but ready. I think.”

“Good, you should be ready. It’s on the actors now, isn’t it?”

“Well, I’m also directing, so it’s on me as well.”

“I’m sure you’ll be great,” Remus assured him as the elevator began to move. “Have you been out to the location yet?”

“Yes, and it’s perfect. It’s this really organized little village. Used just for the miners, the only reason it was put out there. Then I guess the mine shut down and they couldn’t sustain, and they moved elsewhere.”

“Interesting.”

“The places we’re staying are good. I made sure we wouldn’t be roughing it too much.” Sirius laughed as the doors slid open. “Regulus was very concerned about the state of the accommodations.”

“I’m sure he is. I mean, his brother pulled him out of his nice cozy place on the winery in Greece to bring him to sodding Wales.” Remus said as they walked down the hall towards the small events room where they were doing their read through.

“It was his own doing. He was the one that wanted to work on the set, so I’m letting him tag along. I wouldn’t want anyone else to be my right hand, anyway. He knows what I need sometimes before I do. Brotherly bound, I guess.”

“That’s good.”

“He has a lot to live up to regarding PAs because Hestia is amazing.” Sirius laughed but paused right before they got to the room.

“You’re not okay?”

“It’s just anxiety.” He cleared his throat and stepped to the side. “It’s not a good look if I go in there and mess up this whole thing? How can I be seen as a serious director if I can’t get through the goals and synopsis of my film?”

“You’re over thinking it. Pretend that we’re back in Greece and you’re telling me about the film.”

“That was very informal.”

“But bring that passion. Tell me what you want to do with it. Tell me what you want to achieve. You’re going to be awesome, and this movie is going to be beautiful and heartbreaking and everything that I could want as an actor. Think of this as your most challenging moment and the rest is going to be downhill from here.”

“How come I feel like that’s a lie.” Sirius took a deep breath.

“It’s not. Your introduction is just the bullshite. Let your work speak for itself.” Remus squeezed his shoulder. “I’m going in. Take your time.” He assured his friend.

“Okay.”

Remus smiled at Sirius once more before going into the event room. It was set up with long tables in store of a 'u' shape, so everyone could see one another. Mary was chatting with Frank, so Remus made his way over to them as his seat was also right in between them. “Ah, the leading man.” Mary laughed. He wondered how good her Welsh accent was because she had a Southern American one in her everyday voice. Even on the show she was in, she had her usual accent.

“Hi, Mary, nice to meet you.” He shook her hand firmly.

“You as well, Remus.”

“Frank, you too.”

“Same, mate. Have you met Black yet? I’m sort of nervous. All the rumors, you know.”

“He’s actually nothing like you’ve heard,” Remus assured his co-stars.

“However he is, this film is going to be amazing,” Frank said as Sirius walked into the room. He gave Remus a quick smile before going over to the producer, Gideon Prewett.

Remus didn’t have any doubt about it. He could tell how passionate Sirius was about his story when they read through it back in Greece. He didn’t know how Sirius was as director, but he had a feeling that he would be good. He had been in the industry for so long before his disappearing act that he must have picked up a thing or two.

***

_Alan takes a deep breath and looks around at the countryside. He keeps his back to Catrin as she speaks._

_CATRIN_

_You had so much. Why throw it all away? You could do anything you wanted._

_ALAN_

_Because I needed freedom. I no longer need approval of people who know nothing about who I really am. I’m free from them. Do you know how joyous it is to be free, Catrin?_

_CATRIN_

_Is anyone ever truly free, Alan? Are you truly you now? Will you ever be?_

_Alan doesn’t answer but we can tell the truth on his face. There is no freedom yet but there is hope._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to update two more times this week because I meant to upload a chapter Thursday but I ended up being busy.


	5. Off to Wales

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a head cold, so sorry for any grammar mistakes/typos. I'll re-reread this soon.

Sirius felt like he was in heaven, just a little bit, as he listened to his actors do their read through. Once he over came his anxiety about going into the read-through he was all right. Everyone in the room wanted the movie to be the best it could be. He got a great cast and crew and the studio was wonderful. It felt like a dream. After three years pushing away the film industry, he was back in it. So far, so good. His biggest worry was going back to do press and all that other stuff that went along with a good movie. He wondered if he could become some weird recluse who didn’t attend that shite and just made good movies. Surely there were weirder directors and/or screenplay writers.

During his little introduction to the screenplay. He spoke about how he wanted this film to feel hopeless at the core. Stark colors, sad score, but there was this fiery hope in Alan. You could feel the hope and see it coming off the man, even if he was somewhere he didn’t belong. We could hear it in a slight change in the score when Alan was on screen. We could see it in how he dressed. He was on a journey to make things better for himself. But life doesn’t always go the way one wants so eventually the hopelessness overcomes Alan except there’s that little glint at the end where it looks like not all hope is lost.

“You didn’t fuck it up.” Remus had said with a laugh as he passed by him to take a few pictures. “Great speech.”

“Great read.” Sirius smiled as the other man walked away. Regulus was giving him a funny look. Regulus was always giving him strange looks when Remus was around, and Sirius knew exactly what he was thinking, but he still had to ask what he was thinking.

//What?// He questioned like it was going to be an answer that he wanted.

//Him and you.//

Sirius shook his head. He did think Remus was brilliant and yes, he was fit. He made feel Sirius feel great and he was just so kind. But Sirius didn’t date because he just never was able to open himself up to people like that. On top of it all, they had a working relationship. What would that do to the film or Remus’ career if they did date? It’d be too much. //He’s working for me. Stop.//

//After. Date him.// Regulus replied with a shrug.

//Fuck off.// Sirius glared at his brother but then turned to Gideon who was laughing. “What?”

“Nothing, I can just sign and I got all that and I agree with your brother.”

“That’s just unprofessional.” Sirius rolled his eyes because he really didn’t fancy this conversation. Not only was it behind his friend’s back but it wasn’t appropriate for the setting. It was not right in his brain, so he got up and left the two behind. He didn’t need those types of rumors to follow him around. He had a fresh start. That was sending him towards a place that he didn’t want to go.

“That’s an amazing screenplay, Sirius. I think your actors are going to do some amazing things with it.” Peter nodded with smile. “I can’t wait to see what you do with it.”

“Thanks for giving me the chance, Peter.”

“Mate, it’s an honor.” Pete smiled.

“Sirius, come take a picture with your lead actors.” Someone from Peter’s company said, gesturing for him to join the group.

He did as ask, standing between Remus and Mary. He was keenly aware of Remus’ arm around him. It made him feel warm inside, almost like how he felt when he got praise from the man. He hated it. He hated it because he wanted more of that feeling. But if he did get it, he’d just fuck it up somehow. Life wasn’t as easy as giving a speech. Love indeed was much harder than that.

After leaving the read through, Sirius found that Lily and James came to Cardiff to surprise Sirius before he headed out to location. It was nice to have people love him unconditionally. He felt so lucky to have met James, Lily, and then the Potters in his brief time at Hogwarts. They were his touchstone to the real world and helped him whenever he needed, no questions asked. The minute that he had checked in to rehab, Effie was on a flight to see him. When Sirius needed a place to stay, they offered a room. When he was up late in the middle of the night a mess, Lily just sat with him and made him drink tea. Without the Potters, he probably wouldn’t have been able to survive.

“How excited are you to start shooting?” Lily asked after they ordered dinner.

“About as excited as I can be.”

“You’re not going to fall into old habits here. It’s a good environment, and you’re going to be controlling it. You can send people off the set if they’re not doing what’s right. You’re the one in charge.” James reminded him.

“I’m not so worried about the set.”

“Right, when you have to do all that shite.”

“Right.” Sirius frowned before taking a sip of his water. “I don’t have much control there.”

“Well, Lily and I are always willing to be there if you need us. Wherever you are, you know that.” James smiled.

“I know. But, it’s hard. I was talking to Poppy and she said that she’s always a phone call away too. But what happens if I just fall right back into old habits?” Poppy was Sirius’ therapist. She was great and never made him feel horrible about his shitty coping mechanisms.

“I have faith that you’ll do what’s right. We all do.” Lily smiled. “Maybe opening up to someone on set, outside of Reg, might help. Like Remus.”

Sirius groaned, “Not you too, Lil.”

“Me too, what?”

“Both Regulus and Gid think I fancy him and want me to date him.”

“I’m not saying date, but I don’t think that’d be a horrible idea. He’s so sweet.” She sighed a little as if she fancied him. “But he’s been a good friend in the brief period of time that you’ve spent with him. I think he could be helpful.”

“I’m not opening up to him. He works for me. I don’t want to make him my emotional dumping ground as well.”

“He’d be a friend, not an emotional dumping ground.” James reminded him.

“I just don’t see myself doing that.” Sirius shook his head. “I’ll keep our relationship as it is. A nice friendship.”

“Whatever, you think is best, Sirius,” James replied.

Sirius wasn’t sure what was best. He never was, so he hoped for once that what he was going to do was right. He was notorious for making the wrong choices. Sometimes the wrong decisions were made on purpose to try to heal some pain or to get rid of it all together. All of the times he just could never see far into the future and what his choices would bring about. That was the issues with living day to day; you never cared much about the future. But he did care about the future now. He had a project that he cared about, and people that he wanted to please. He had the tools to do right, and he just needed to find a way to get through and use everything correctly.

***

It was the first day of shooting and Sirius stared at set up of their first shot. It was the dining room table, where Alan speaks his truth and in turn gets thrown out of the house. No one was there yet, just him and the set. The team had already set up everything the night before since they were starting early. Sirius wanted everything ready to go once Remus and the actors playing the Niels were out of costumes and makeup. That would be sometime now but he didn’t know what else to do with himself.

Sirius was confident that no one was up yet with the exception of possibly Remus because as he walked through the village to the shooting location, it was silent. There was only a light on in the window of Remus’ place when he passed by it on his way. At least someone was up and as anxious as he was. He couldn’t do anything but pace. He walked back out of the set and down the street towards the section where the cast and crew were staying, trying to decide what he wanted to do with all of his nervous energy.

The village was a strange place to be. He wondered how his uncle lived out in a place like this for so long without going completely mad. Sirius would never understand why his uncle Al had gone this way. He never explained himself, he just said that it was what he felt was right to do at the time. Al was very carefree and go with the flow, for someone who was as successful as he was in the end. Why the man decided to go from his home where he had to hide who he was to a bloody mining village where he had to be concealed made no sense at all. He hoped that it was believable enough on film because it happened. A posh bloke from London ended up in a tiny mining village in Wales. He said that he even enjoyed his time there.

He wrapped his arms around himself as he walked against the wind. It was a cold April morning in Wales. But if felt good. It apparently felt good for Remus, who he found running down the street in the other direction. He slowed down as he came towards Sirius. “You’re up already?”

“I’m ready to get going.” Sirius said, trying not to look at how Remus’ shirt and shorts were clinging to him and displaying how in great of shape he was. He hadn’t had a crush in so long, why did it have to be on this man who he was working with? On a man, who was far too good for him.

“You’re going to be a brilliant director.”

“Why are you so nice to me?” Sirius asked with a laugh.

“Because we’re friends.” Remus looked at him as if he had five heads. “That’s what friends do, and they’re nice to one another. I mean, they also give each other shite but I’m not sure if we’ve made it to that level of friendship.”

“I told you, I don’t interact with people a lot.”

“You seem to be doing just fine. I’m glad you’re shooting this, Sirius. I won’t pretend to know what you went through and why you disappeared for a few years, but I’m glad that you’re feeling good enough to be here. If you ever need anything, let me know because friends are there for one another.”

“Wouldn’t that be some crossing of lines professionally?”

“I don’t think so. Why would it be?”

“I’m in charge here, I didn’t want things to be strange.”

“If you tell me what to do on set and you’re giving me direction and critiques, I don’t think that off set and off work hours you’re my friend is strange. I mean, there’s directors who have directed their significant others, right? Can’t be too weird if we’re mates.” Remus chuckled. “But it’s whatever you’re comfortable with. If you want to not be mates till after shooting, that’s fine too. I’m sure it’s hard for you to find your footing right now.”

“God, you’re so understanding. I want to hate you.” Sirius snorted then looked up at the sky and shook his head.

“I know, I’m horrible and annoying with my forgiveness, eh? Well, I should go and shower before I have a makeup artist, Dorcas, or Hestia knocking down my door because I’m late. See you in a few hours. Try to have some breakfast and maybe a cuppa. I’ll see you on set.”

***

Later that day, after shooting, Sirius decided to go on a hike to try to calm down. The cast and crew were having some sort of potluck for dinner but Sirius had sometime before he had to be there. All he really wanted was some alone time but he didn’t want to get a reputation as standoffish and cold to the people he worked with because it was going so well so far.

“Hey, where you going?” Remus asked, his normal accent was back and gone was Alan’s plummy tones. He was also no longer in his early 70’s best and back in a comfy jumper, skinny jeans, and a nice light jacket.

“A walk, I guess. Time to kill before we eat.”

“Mind if I join, I was going to do the same.”

“Sure. If we get lost we’ll have each other too that way.” Sirius laughed as they started to walk. He didn’t really have a destination in mind. “How do you think it went today?”

“You’re a good director,” Remus said, sticking his hands in his pockets. “Is your confidence boosted after the first day here?”

“It’s getting better.”

“It should.”

“You’re a phenomenal actor. Your chemistry with Mary and Frank is great too. I think I got lucky here with my first go.”

“Not to toot my own horn but you’re not lucky, we’re all just good. We’ve been given the opportunity to all be great together, including you.” Remus bumped his shoulder against Sirius’. “Your bother is a big flirt by the way.”

“Oh no, what has he done?”

“You didn’t notice him with Bill all day? Christ, you were really into the work.”

Bill was ironically the nephew of his producer and his cinematographer, Gideon and Fabian Prewett. Bill worked as an assistant to Fabian, he was fresh out of school and was happy that the film industry didn’t mind a little nepotism. But Bill was as talented as his uncle, so it wasn’t terrible by any stretch. “First day shooting and he’s already causing trouble.”

“I wouldn’t say trouble. Bill was flirting right back. I guess. I mean, I’m not too sure because there was a lot of signing going on. Apparently Bill’s mum is hard of hearing.”

“Oh,” That explained why Gideon had known what Reg and him were talking about. “How do you know they were flirting then if they were signing?”

“Body language, I don’t know. Can’t you just tell these things. Don’t you look at two people and know they fancy one another by how they look at each other? You know what it looks like, you’re an actor turned writer-director.”

Sirius was never really looking for that stuff in real life so it always flew right under his radar. If Regulus wasn’t snogging Bill in front of him, he probably wouldn’t have even known about it if Remus didn’t tell him. If it were in front of his camera, then he would have noticed his brother chatting up another crew member. “I know what it looks like. I just, I don’t know. I don’t particularly notice that stuff.”

Remus nodded. “You do have far more important things going on today then worrying about who your brother is trying to pull.”

“I guess as long as Bill’s interested, I shouldn’t worry about it.”

“I wouldn’t. I mean, if they start snogging on set, then I’d worried because that is unprofessional.” Remus laughed loudly. “God, I don’t know the last time I fancied someone like that. To flirt with them so overtly.”

“Well, you’re doing a great job of it on camera. Your first interaction with Elis, was exactly how I wanted it to go.”

“Thanks.”

“I’m sure you’ll one day fancy someone enough to flirt with them using all of your acting techniques.”

“I won’t be acting then, will I?” Remus grinned. “I’ve enough to worry about right now, I don’t need to be thinking about getting a mate.”

Sirius just nodded. He was sure that he would never be able to let himself be with anyone. His past was dark and twisty enough that he couldn’t bare to try to involve another person in his recovery. He knew that he’d never be able to recover fully but Poppy always told him that one day he’d be ready for a relationship. Clearly, that day wasn’t anytime soon because it seemed ridiculous to even think about wanting.

***

_Elis_

_You’re a strange one._

_Alan_

_Thank you._

_Elis_

_You’re posh and have a degree from a nice university. What are you doing here?_

_Alan_

_Getting away. Trying to figure out what to do next. What better place to do it then out here?_


	6. In the Middle

There was a horrible realization in the third week of filming that Remus knew he fancied Sirius Black. It was far more than just the superficial fact that the man was bloody gorgeous. That was evident the first time he had ever seen the man. No, he liked him on a far deeper level, which was no good. Especially at the moment. Not only was Sirius, his director, but he was also about to get a big break. This film could change his career drastically. Hestia said that there were already rumors reaching back through the grapevine about his acting in the movie. Sleeping with his director could send the wrong signal to the industry about who he was.

It happened when he was shooting a scene, nonetheless. It was an intense moment between Elis and Alan. They’re talking about love and friendship and how it feels to want. Eventually, everyone believes that Elis is going to kiss Alan, but he backs off at the last second. Frank wasn’t giving Sirius what he wanted, so Sirius had walked on to demonstrate precisely how Elis should be acting. It was all fake, how he looked at Remus, how he touched him, how he spoke to him. But Remus’ brain and heart felt like it was real.

“Perfect Remus, that’s the look I want for Alan after all this,” Sirius said before going back behind the camera and leaving Frank to it. The look was Remus’ real feelings, not an act. Completely dumbfounded by wanting for Sirius to kiss him. By wanting to be with the other man.

The scene all may have been fake, but the feelings that he was having for Sirius were far from it. There was no denying that they had an easy camaraderie. From the moment they met officially, once Sirius realized that Remus wasn’t there to talk him into going back to acting, they just got on. Remus was also attracted to Sirius, so much so, but he was a grown man and was able to appreciate the fact he was beautiful without having to act on it like an arse. Remus also felt like Sirius flirted with him sometimes. But he couldn’t tell for sure because it was like he was trying not to flirt. Or he was trying to flirt and didn’t know how. Or something along those lines.

Either way, he needed to stop worrying about it because it’s not as if anything was ever going to happen. Sirius had told him that he didn’t date, nor did he want to. Clearly, something had happened in his past that effected him. Plus, he had to worry about his career.

“You’re looking down,” Sirius said, sitting next to Remus in the rec center that was now the central gathering place for the staff, and where craft service was. The cast and crew were mostly all in bed, but Remus had come back to see if they had any of the biscuits that he liked. They did, so clearly he needed to stay for a cuppa.

“I’m not down.” Remus smiled at the other man. The smile felt very forced when he produced it. He was a better actor than that.

“You shouldn’t be. At least professionally, you’ve nothing to be worried about. You’re going to have moviegoers on their feet sobbing while they’re clapping.” Sirius hovered his hand over the top his mug to check the temperature.

“Thanks. It feels good, what we’re doing.”

“It does, very good. Brilliant. I’m not looking forward the bit we have to do after all this. Right now and in post-production we’re in our bubble. But eventually we’ll need to do press, and they’ll be parties…”

“Are you worried about staying sober?” Remus asked bluntly because he knew that Sirius struggled with that. They had talked about the irony of him living on a winery for a time after he got out of rehab before.

“A little, I mean, wouldn’t you be worried? You know what it’s like at those things.”

“I’d be terrified. I hope you have a good support system.”

“I do but, I don’t normally bring them all with me to everything.”

“Well, I have your back. I’ll be there for the most part.” Remus reached across the table and squeezed his hand then pulled it back, feeling like he probably should have kept his hands to himself.

“I have yours too. If you’re down about something. I know you don’t know all of my shite, but you know I had some problems for reasons. They’re fucking numerous. My point is, I don’t scare easily.”

Remus wondered what those problems were. Was it his family? Is that why he had substance abuse problems? He wanted to ask, but how does one ask those types of questions? Should he have been asking those kinds of questions? Were the good enough friends for that? Or does someone tell you without asking? He settled on waiting to be told what happened because it was in the past, he didn’t need help with it at the moment. They were also in a pretty substance-free place at the moment, and he didn’t feel like Sirius was down more than usual. “It’s nothing, really Sirius. Thanks for asking though.”

“I— I feel like I’m being mysterious about what happened but I legitimately never talk about this shite.” Sirius frowned, as if he were reading Remus’ thoughts. “Well, I do talk about it a lot to plenty of people, but I either pay them to listen and fix my problems, or they’re practically my family. I’ve never had a friend like you, new and after it all.”

“Whatever you want to tell me is fine. It’s yours to tell.” Remus assured.

“Maybe after shooting. I think I don’t want you to look at me any differently. Especially since I’m your director.”

Remus nodded, not sure what to say. He wanted to tell him he would look at him differently, but how was he supposed to know that? “Whatever you feel is right, Sirius.”

“Once again, you’re bloody lovely. You know that, right?” Sirius laughed, and Remus felt the heat rising in his cheeks. “Sorry, it’s just people always want to know what happened and why I disappeared and they ask. But you don’t even seem bothered by it. I’m sure you’d like to know too.”

“It’s your business, isn’t it?” Remus shook his head.

“Everyone seems to think they need to make it theirs.”

“Whenever you want to tell me is fine. I’m also around if you need me.”

“Thanks, Remus.” Sirius smiled widely. “I think it’s time I go sleep. Another long day tomorrow and we’re starting early. You might want to get to sleep soon too.”

“I will have a good night.”

“You too.” Sirius nodded before standing up and heading out.

When Sirius was out of the hall, Remus glanced to his left to see Dorcas smirking at him. “What?” He groaned because he knew the look she had on face meant she was up to no good.

“Nothing.” She brought her soup over with her to take the seat that Sirius had been in. “I was talking to Marls about how we need to get you a date soon.”

“No. Not… no.” Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath. This was a continuing thing with the two of them. They seemed to think that Remus was lonely. He wasn’t. He was fine. “Why are you bringing that up now?”

“Stop it, Remus. You know what I’m saying. I thought it before, months ago when you came back from Greece. The way you talked about him was how people talk about people they fancy or people they’re dating.”

“We’re not—”

“I know, but you fancy him.” She said quietly. There weren’t a lot of people around, but he was still worried they’d overhear the conversation.

“He’s a mate.”

“That you fancy.”

“What if I do? I can’t exactly date him.” Remus complained. “It’ll ruin the movie.”

“Will it?”

“Probably. I don’t want people to think I got this role because I was shagging the director. I don’t want any rumors of any kind blowing this up because it’s good, Dorcas. This is it.”

“Okay, I know. I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?”

“Because you can’t have what you so clearly want.” She said drumming her fingers on the table. “It sucks.”

“It’s just a crush. I’ll be fine.” He admitted finally instead of speaking in hypotheticals. If he kept denying it, he’d surely drive himself mad.

“I just want you to be happy.” Dorcas smiled. “Are you okay if I go call my lovely girlfriend?”

“Of course I am. Give her my love. How is her new film going?”

“The director is horrendous. She’s jealous.” Dorcas laughed, standing up. “I’ll be sure to rub it in your face how great Sirius is.”

“Mmm, yeah,” Remus said before Dorcas bid him goodnight and left. Sirius was great, and Remus wished that he could tell him all the reasons why he thought he was great. And tell him while they were lounging about in bed following an absolutely fantastic night.

***

A week later, Mary, Frank, and Remus were going over lines one night. They had grown to become good mates, which Remus appreciated. You did happen to get close to people on set because you spent so much time together but this was even more intense. Remus felt like the whole cast and crew was practically a family. They were so isolated in the middle of nowhere. It wasn’t as if they could easily go off somewhere to escape. Thankfully, they were all able to get on.

When they felt practiced enough, Mary opened a bottle of wine, and they were about to settle in to watch some telly. “Tell us the truth, are you and Sirius fucking?” Mary asked in her American Southern accent, which was jarring after listening to her Welsh one all day. But not as jarring as the question that she asked.

Remus choked on the wine he had just swallowed. A two days ago they didn’t even know that Remus was gay. It wasn’t until after they shot Alan and Elis’ sex scene. It was just fine and awkward as every single sex scene shot in movie history. There’s nothing steamy about hitting marks and having someone telling you. You’re not doing things right — especially when you fancy that person telling you. But afterward, they were wrapping up, and Frank had off handily mentioned something about how beard burn sucked and wondered out loud if it was worse with men with full beards. Without thinking, Remus answered yes as did Sirius. Frank thought it was hilarious, but Remus worried about people finding out.

“Just jump right at that, Mary, Christ.” Frank laughed loudly, giving Remus a few pats on the back as he coughed.

“I am not shagging Sirius.” Remus said trying to catch his breath. Was Dorcas right, was he really so obvious about how he felt towards the man? “Why on earth would you say that?”

“You’re flirting. Like, overtly flirty.” Mary insisted.

“We are not.” Remus furrowed his brow. He was doing his best NOT to flirt with Sirius, so he was very conscious of their interactions.

“Mmm, yeah, which makes you even more obvious,” Frank said, taking a seat on the floor in front of the sofa Mary and Remus were sitting on.

“We are not shagging. We’re not together. We are not flirting.” Remus put a hand over his face. “You can’t go round saying those things! What are you trying to do to my career?”

“Nothing, this is in the privacy of Frank’s temporary apartment,” Mary said before taking a sip of her wine. “I”m rooting for you two.”

“There’s nothing to root for!”

“You’re both gay.”

“I’m bi and so what? Just because we’re two men interested in men near one another doesn’t mean anything is going to happen!” Remus said, throwing a hand up.

“We know that.” Mary rolled her eyes. “It’s how you two are interacting. You have this undeniable chemistry. It’s palpable. Its something that we see on screens that is never really seen in real life.”

“Or when it is, there’s something unhealthy about it,” Frank said. “Not that you two are or would be.”

“Thanks for that, I think? But I’m not going to be dating Sirius anytime soon. We’re not an item or close to one.”

“You’re interested. He’s fit, isn’t he?” Mary adopted an accent with a smirk.

“Bugger off.” Remus shook his head.

“Honestly, you don’t deny that he’s a talented, gorgeous, nice, smart, and you two get on like a house on fire.”

“House on fire sounds violent.” Remus snickered.

“You do not deny it.”

He blushed, “Because I can’t deny what you said. But we’re not dating, nor will we ever. I swear if I hear people talking…”

“It’s not leaving this flat,” Frank assured. “Between us.”

“And Marlene and Dorcas, apparently.”

“Regulus and Bill agree.”

“Bloody hell.” Remus closed his eyes. “I finally get a big break and my career is going to be ruin—”

“Plenty of out actors now.”

“I’m just getting out of rom-com hell. Now, let’s say this rumor breaks, and people think I’m shagging directors. Doesn’t help that I’m bi. It’d be lovely if none of that shite mattered but it does. I’m not going to throw away my career for a relationship that may never last. Who knows what that the man’s been through, too.” Something happened to Sirius, something not great. He was sure it didn’t have to do with the man’s terrible parents, but they didn’t help. There was something else in his past that he was still working on. It wasn’t as if Remus wouldn’t be there for him, but it seemed like whatever it was hindered Sirius from putting himself in a relationship.

Frank and Mary just looked at one another as if they both knew what was better for Remus. They didn’t, though. Nor did the know what was going on with Sirius. Life wasn’t as cut and dry as the movies that they all got to play in were. Things didn’t have a rising action, a plot twist, a falling action, then a nice little conclusion. Remus also didn’t fancy the grand romantic gestures and throwing it all away for love. He needed to be practical. So, he went on being practical even if his crush for Sirius didn’t appear to be going anywhere.

When he left Frank’s apartment, he headed up the way towards his own. On his way he found Sirius sitting on his stoop having a cigarette. “You smoke?” Remus stopped in front of him.

“Don’t tell anyone.” Sirius laughed. “Well, don’t tell any of the Potters. Sometimes I need something to do, and this is it. It’s not like I smoke all the time. I’m just antsy right now.”

“Why?”

“I’m two years sober,” Sirius said, casting his eyes down. “I don’t know what to do with that. I mean, I should be happy right?”

“I don’t know what you should feel.” Remus took a seat next to Sirius. The stoop wasn’t large, so his knee knocked against Sirius’. He hated how he felt like a teenager when he was so close to the other man. And what was he doing, getting so close to him? Why was he such an idiot?

“Don’t get me wrong I’m proud of myself. But, I don’t know... I feel like I was so isolated for so long, does it even count? You know?”

“Not really. You lived on a winery.”

“Alcohol wasn’t my biggest issue. That was easy.”

“Easy?”

“Easier.” Sirius sniffled. “I’m sorry.”

Remus shook his head and put an arm around Sirius shoulder’s as the other man crushed his cigarette out. “It’s okay.”

They sat in silence for a little while. Remus wasn’t too sure what to say to the other man. He was sure that he was crying, but Sirius was looking down at his feet. Remus always felt like he was shite with other people’s emotions. He never was able to offer great advice, all he could do was sit there and listen.

“Okay, I need to go to sleep,” Sirius said after bringing both hands up to his face and rubbing it.

“Are you sure you’re okay? Do you want me to get Reg or something?”

“I— no— no, I’m fine. Thank you.” Sirius smiled at him and looked as if he wanted to say something else.

“I didn’t do a thing.”

“You did all I needed you to do.” Sirius wrapped his arms around him, giving him a big hug.

Sirius went back inside, and Remus finally went to his temporary apartment. He spent the entire night tossing and turning in his bed, hoping that Sirius was doing okay. He was so happy to see the other man the next morning when he was getting breakfast. He looked tired but nothing more. Neither of them spoke about the night before, but he could feel Dorcas, Mary, and Frank watching them closely.

***

_Alan shifts closer to Elis on the blanket. Catrin and Grace are far off in the distance by the lakeshore._

_Alan_

_Who knew Wales could be so lovely._

 

_Elis laughs, he moves his hand and it now against Alan’s._

_Elis_

_Shocking for you, I’m sure._

 

_Alan_

_There’s a lot I like here._

 

_Alan looks over at Elis. They both smile._


	7. At the End

Sirius had only one more day of shooting left. After that, he’d be heading back to London for all the post-production fun and L.A. in the middle of it all for business stuff to do with the film. He wished desperately to stay in London, but if he wanted to get his movie out there, he needed to go through with the whole song and dance. He also believed his actors and crew deserved to have their work known on this by getting the critical success. Honestly, it would have been hard for people to hate the film but he could go back to Greece and eventually be okay. But for so many of people on his team of this film, it could make their career or change the trajectory completely.

“Have you got a name yet?” Gid questioned as they ate dinner. He was sitting with Gideon, Bill, and his brother in the community hall. “Only 24 hours until we wrap, and we’re nameless still.”

“A Patent of the Heart,” Sirius said. It had taken him ages to decide on a name because he wanted to get it right. “It’s from a Dickinson poem.”

“I don’t know that one.” Regulus frowned before going to fuss with his hearing aid.

Sirius spoke and signed, “Hope is a strange invention-/A Patent of the Heart-/In unremitting action/Yet never wearing out-/Of this elective Adjunct/Not anything is known/But its unique momentum/Embellish all we own—.“ Sirius had been looking for inspiration for titles by flipping through some old poetry books he had his brother bring in from the closet library. For some reason, it stood out to him the most. He felt like it fit his film, which was all about hope and the loss of it.

//Nice.// Reg looked so proud of his brother, and it almost took Sirius back.

//Thanks.//

//Want to date him still?// Gideon asked with a nod in the direction of Remus, who was laughing with Mary about something or another. It was probably something about Frank because the man looked very annoyed with the two of them. They seemed happy for a bunch of people who just shot a funeral scene. Frank was done filming, but he decided to stay on location one more night to have a proper goodbye with everyone the following day.

//Bye.// Sirius waved as he glared at the two men before getting up from his seat. He didn't want to hear anything more from the other man for now.

***

It was done. They had finished shooting, and the road to Sirius’ comeback was heading a new way. He was going to be away from this lovely little family he had grown close to over the last six weeks. He was going to miss the long hours of shooting, watching dallies, and advising his actors. He was especially going to miss being around Remus, who seemed to understand him without even knowing all about him. There was this ease that he felt in his presence, which was very prominent after they had finished each day. Sirius was going to ache for the quiet moments he spent with the other man.

The wrap party was in full swing, and everyone was having a good time. Sirius didn’t feel tempted to have a drink, and he stuck close by to people who weren’t drinking. One of which was Remus, who he had a feeling was not drinking on purpose. Ever since the night Sirius sort of had a bit of a meltdown on his two year sober anniversary, Remus had been watching him differently. Sirius wanted to tell him to stop, and not to worry but it felt nice to have someone who wasn’t his family or the Potters worry about him. He loved the feeling of being cared for by this man who knew horrible rumors about him but didn’t give a shite.

If he were being honest, Sirius would have told Remus weeks ago that he fancied him. He could tell that Remus felt the same way as well. But they just sidestepped it all of the time. It was more than an easy friendship. It was more than an ear to listen. There was something else there that everyone apparently saw because he heard the rumors on set about them. It was one of the only times he wished for rumors about himself to be true. They were done shooting. Maybe he could make them true?

That thought sent anxious waves through his body. He hadn’t had sex with anyone sober in his twenty-six years of life. He had been nearly black-out drunk whenever it happened. He wanted to have sex, but he could never get there without too much help. Most of the time he wasn’t sure exactly how he got there. Sure, there were times he wanted it, but he couldn’t get up the nerve and fight everything back for that one good moment. But it was just too hard to fight. For once, though, he just wanted to be able to give in to that pleasure of being with someone he cared about, and that drove him absolutely mad.

Sirius had been sexually abused for years. An older actor, Tom Riddle, had taken Sirius under his wing when Sirius was just 12. His horrid parents eagerly accepted the man’s offer to be Sirius’ mentor. They didn’t think it was strange when he took Sirius places alone or spent so much time with him. He was successful and still was, in the industry. His parents just wanted that connection for their young blossoming star. For a while, when he was in his early teens he thought maybe that’s how it was supposed to be but eventually he realized that it wasn’t. That the man was a monster, purely evil. When he spoke about it to his parents, his agents, anyone he was immediately shut down. It continued for six years. Not every day or even every year during that time but it felt like a daily occurrence because he had to deal with it daily, especially after he realized how wrong it was.

It ruined every single thing for him. He couldn’t handle working. He couldn’t handle relationships. Christ, he couldn’t even handle living most of the time. Sirius was lucky to even to be breathing because he was so close, so many times, to just being done with it all. He did get help, amazing help, which he was still receiving. But he had yet to try a relationship. That vulnerability terrified him. The idea of having sex and being intimate was scary on so many levels. But he wanted Remus, and he wanted to give it all a try. He had never wanted anyone like that before.

For months, no, since the second full day he spent with Remus back in Greece, he knew that he wanted the man. He thought about him regularly and it was not always innocent either. Sirius needed to try, he concluded. In the past, when he faced a fear head on it usually worked. He hoped that this would happen the same way. Just jump in and it would be all right. Okay, so he wasn’t just jumping in, he had been through sessions about this very thing with Poppy and so many other people. But now, he had to do some action.

“Are you all right? You’re looking very— thinky.” Remus asked as some Ed Sheeran song played in the background and everyone was chatting, dancing, and just having a general good time.

“I'm not thinky, whatever that means. That’s not even a real word.” Sirius laughed.

“You’re in your head about some thing,” Remus said, leaning closer to Sirius because it was so loud in there. Or maybe he was leaning closer for other reasons.

Sirius swallowed hard. “You.”

Remus blinked, “Me?”

“I’m going to miss you. Quite a bit, when we all leave in the morning.” Sirius felt very brave for the moment.

“We’ll still be mates,” Remus said. “I won’t be totally gone.”

Sirius sighed because he wasn’t sure what to do. He had never asked someone to go to bed with him like this. They always just sort of fell into it.

“You don’t mean that way, do you?” Remus raised an eyebrow. Thankfully the man seemed to have some superhuman mind reading power.

“No.”

“Want to go for a walk?” And thankfully, Remus knew what to do to get what he wanted. Sirius was just happy to realize that what Remus wanted was him. He thought, he heard the murmurings but he never seemed to get everything he wanted.

“Yes,” Sirius said eagerly.

Remus didn’t say a word but headed towards the door. Sirius felt as if his heart were in his throat, was that a normal thing to happen? He decided just to continue to go with it. When they stepped out into the fresh May night, he grabbed Remus’ hand. They walked in the direction Sirius’ flat, not saying anything. Sirius kept an eye on his feet, because he felt like he was going to do something daft if he looked at Remus.

“Do you-you want to come in?” Sirius asked as they got to his door.

“You know that I do.”

“Okay.” Sirius took a deep breath as he reached for the doorknob. There wasn’t turning back now, was there? Either they were going to shag or they were going to have one of those long relationship talks. Most people probably would have avoided the long relationship talks but he felt like he wanted that more than the sex. Both were pretty terrifying at this point. Sirius had never been in a relationship. He wanted it with Remus. All of it.

But for some reason, every fiber of his being was yelling at him to stop as he stepped inside of the flat. He knew he should have talked about his past with Remus first. It was something Poppy told him to do with future sexual partners. But he just wasn’t able to say anything. It was like that part of his brain had broke for the time being.

When Remus closed the door behind himself, Sirius decided to kiss him. He stepped forward, rested a hand on his shoulder and pressed his lips to Remus. It was a nice kiss, Sirius thought as Remus’ lips moved against his. But then his past started to get involved when Remus backed him up against the wall. He brain flickered back to being pinned against walls or beds or the floor. He felt tense.

“Are you okay?” Remus pulled back, his breath short but concern on his face.

“Yes.” Sirius said quickly. “I just banged my head.”

“Oh sorry.” Remus frowned, his hand sliding up to the back of Sirius' head.

“It’s fine. Let’s, ah, go — bed?” Sirius wasn’t usually at a loss for words, so he knew that his anxiety was peaking.

“Yes, sure. You don’t want to talk or—”

“No.” Sirius shook his head and pressed a kiss to the corner of Remus’ mouth. “Do you?”

“Yes but, not as much as I want you right now. We can talk after.” Remus smiled as Sirius stepped away and went towards his room.

Sirius closed his eyes and took another deep breath as he walked ahead. He felt like his heart was going to burst, and not in a way that people say when they’re so happy. It felt like it was beating far too fast and it was going to explode.

“You’re so quiet. I thought you’d be more chatty,” Remus said, sitting on the bed and kicking his shoes off. He looked so lovely with kissed lips and pink cheeks. “Are you sure this is okay?”

“Yes, it’s okay,” Sirius said firmly, mostly trying to convince himself. He toed his shoes off then straddled Remus. He had control that way, and he felt calmer. Sirius was a bit calmer but he was still not completely enjoying himself. He was waiting for a moment where it all just clicked and worked, but it just didn’t seem to be happening.

“I’ve thought about this and you — god…” Remus shook his head as Sirius kissed his neck. He just wished that he was as into it as Remus was. Surely the other man was going to notice soon.

After snogging like a couple of teenagers for some time, Remus apparently wanted to do a bit more. Sirius felt like he should have wanted that too. But Remus shifted them, so Sirius was on his back on the bed and Remus was on top of him. This was no good. Sirius’s ears started ringing as Remus interlocked their fingers with one hand as the other slipped under the hem of his shirt. It felt like he was being pinned down.

“Stop. Stop. Please stop.” Sirius said, feeling tears run down his cheeks. He felt ashamed that he couldn’t do this. That he couldn’t be bloody normal for once in his life. There was a good looking bloke who he fancied that wanted to shag him but he couldn’t do it.

“What’s wrong?” Remus sat back, giving Sirius space.

Sirius got up from the bed because he wasn’t sure what else to do. He didn’t want to look at Remus. Why was he still like this? It had been years.

“Did I hurt you? Is it something else?”

His legs felt like lead so he just sat down in the corner before the bed and the nightstand. He pulled his knees up to his chest and just let himself sob. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Remus' hand landed on his shoulder.

“Don’t — don’t touch me.” Sirius said and Remus pulled his hand off of him quickly.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” Sirius sniffled. “It’s not you either. Please, know that it’s nothing to do with you.”

“Okay,” Remus said quietly.

“Can you leave?”

“Are you sure—”

“Yes, please.”

“Of course. If that’s what you need from me. But Sirius, I’m here if you need me. I don’t care if you want to have sex or not. I care about you, as a very good friend. Probably more than that. I don’t need to know what’s happened but I’m here if you do need to talk.”

Sirius just nodded and listened to Remus’ movements. He sat on the bed for a little longer then eventually got up and left. He immediately regretted sending Remus away because suddenly he felt desperately alone with his thoughts. He knew he could have picked up the phone and called Poppy by his mobile was all the way in the kitchen where he had left it before going to the wrap party. He wasn’t sure how long he was sitting there but soon there was someone else in his room. He looked up to see his brother standing there frowning. “What happened?”

He went to sign his answer but his hands were too shaky.

“It’s okay it’s not shite right now.” Regulus sat down across from him. “Remus came to tell me that you were upset and you might want me. What happened?”

Sirius wiped some of the tears with his sleeve. “I tried to have sex with Remus.”

“Oh?”

“I couldn’t.” He sniffled. “I wanted to but I freaked and now he hates me.”

“He doesn’t hate you. He’s concerned about you because he cares about you.” Regulus reached up to the nightstand to grab the box of tissues.

“How am I supposed to tell him?” He took a few tissues from the box.

“I don’t know.”

“I’m never going to be able to be happy, am I?” Sirius started to cry again.

“You will,” Regulus assured him. “You have been happy. Especially the last six weeks, I’ve never seen you so bloody happy. It’s nice. This moment’s just a hiccup along the way. It’s an ongoing thing, isn’t it, the overcoming the trauma?”

Sirius didn’t feel like he had made any progress. He felt like he had been doing the same thing for years and it would never stop. “Why do I keep letting him ruin my life still?”

“Do you want me to call Poppy for you?” Regulus asked.

“Please.”

“Okay. That’s good because I don’t know what to say.” He laughed, trying to make things lighter.

Sirius usually would have made a joke too but he just rested his forehead on his knees until Regulus came back with the phone.

***

The next morning, Sirius hadn’t slept one wink. He had talked on the phone to Poppy for a good part of the night then he stayed up and watched telly with Regulus for the rest. When the sun came up, he went to packing. He was so exhausted but when he tried to close his eyes when he sat on the sofa, he couldn’t shake the images of his past. He also couldn’t stop turning over in his head the fact that the man that he liked wanted him but then he blew it because of what Tom did to him.

“I’m going to my flat.” Regulus said, standing in the doorway of the bedroom where Sirius was packing up the last of his things.

//Okay. I’m fine now.//

Regulus smiled then frowned.

//Go say goodbye to Bill for now. It’s not like you won’t see him when we get to London.//

//You should say goodbye to Remus.// His brother insisted.

“That’s ruined, Reg.”

Regulus eventually left him alone to finish packing up his things. Their car was going to be there in less than an hour. He knew he should have gone out to say goodbye to everyone but he wasn’t mentally prepared for that yet. He was lucky even to be mentally prepared enough to pack up the flat he had called home for six weeks.

Just as he finished, and sat down to watch another episode of Parks and Recreation in an attempt to not think. There was a knock on the door less than halfway through the episode. He didn’t want to see anyone but Sirius also didn’t want to be seen as cold any longer. He had done so well at combating all those old rumors on set. He wasn’t going to put the armor up again so much for it to be true once more.

Of course, it was Remus who was standing there with his hands in his pockets. “Hi, can I come in?”

“Yeah.” Sirius stepped aside to let him in.

“I just wanted to make sure you were doing all right. This is completely selfish to set my mind at ease.” Remus spoke as Sirius closed his door.

“I’m alright, Remus. It wasn’t you. You were and are so bloody lovely. I wish — I wish…” He shook his head.

“I do like you, quite a bit and that whole thing wasn’t just some dramatic end of something big emotional choice. I would love to date you but I don’t want you to think that I’m pressuring you into anything. I’m completely content with your friendship if you’re willing to still give it to me.”

Sirius smiled and shook his head. “Stop being so nice again. I don’t want anything other than to be yours but I just can’t, Remus. You don’t deserve to wait for me to get my shite together. I think once you’re not spending so much time with me you’ll see how much of a mess I am and move on.”

“I highly doubt that.” Remus scoffed and leaned against the wall. “I’ll give you the space but please, if you need anything I’m just a phone call away. I’m going back to LA for just a bit but then I’m going to be back in London for another run on the West End. I just want you to know I’m here for you.”

“Thanks.” Sirius wanted to hate how understanding Remus was but it was impossible. It just made him love him more.

How was he ever going to be able to give Remus back what Remus was giving him? The man was so kind and sweet. Sirius felt like he didn’t know where to begin to make things work.

***

_Fade in._

_Int. Break area of coal mine._

_Alan is sitting on the head of a table staring at his lunch. There is talk going on around him but the voices are muffled. Eventually, the voices become clear as the conversation between the miner’s progress and Alan becomes more agitated._

_Miner 1_

_Fucking queers. When will they ever learn?_

_Miner 2_

_Better off dead, I’d say._

_Miner 3_

_None of those fairies would ever last a day here._

_Miner 1_

_Dunno, probably like be surrounded by all these blokes._

_Miner 3_

_God help us._

_Alan stands, fist clenched. Fade out._


	8. The Time In Between

Remus struggled with not reaching out to Sirius too often. He felt like it was up to the other man to decide where their relationship was going to go. They both had interest in one another, but Sirius had something in his past that he had to deal with. Remus didn’t want to pressure the other man, so he decided to take a step back. Remus didn’t want to not be in the other man’s life though. He had sent the occasional text just to show that he was still interested in being mates but didn’t get much back.

According to Hestia, who heard from Alice who heard from Bill and Regulus, Sirius was working hard to get the film complete. Remus was happy the man was working hard and keeping busy. He suspected that Sirius was also getting some help. Whatever the other man was working through needed some expert guidance as well as support from friends and family. Remus knew Sirius didn’t get the support from his parents, but he did have the Potters and Tonks.

His show in the West End ended, and it was just about time to start doing press for A Patent of the Heart. There was a load of buzz surrounding the movie and his acting. The studio decided to go a la Lord of the Rings and have a screening in Cardiff to kick things off. Remus didn’t hate the idea because he enjoyed Wales, and he was going to be able to see most of his mates from filming in one place again. Okay, he was excited to be forced into an area where he knew Sirius would be. In London, he knew Sirius was around but it was a big city. He always wished that he would bump into the other man but he never did, sadly.

“He’s in suite 512,” Hestia said after coming to Remus’ room with a folder full of press information.

“What?”

“Sirius, Reg told me that they’re in 512, but Reg has made himself scarce and said you should stop by.”

“What?” Remus furrowed his brow.

“Piss off.” Hestia rolled her eyes dramatically as she slapped the folder down on the desk in the corner of the room.

“You know, other people would fire you?” Remus said, not as if he was actually angry. He knew what she was trying to get at. She had spent the last long seventh months watching him mope around.

“You’re not other people. I’m trying to make things happen here. I don’t understand what the bloody hell happened when we wrapped but since the morning after you’ve been a wreck. You’re always looking off longingly, staring at your phone, and watching everything on Sirius’ IMDB.” Hestia points were right on, but Remus was trying to not fall for it. He wished he didn’t have feelings for Sirius but of course he did. The time apart just made things worse for him.

“Just go see him before you’re in public, okay? Please, I am begging you. Partly because I don’t want you to look like a tit in front of the press and partly because you should just grab him and snog him. I don't think you want to do that in front of everyone.”

Remus had a feeling the Sirius wouldn’t like to be grabbed and snogged suddenly. He replayed the night of the wrap party in his head over and over again to try to figure out what went wrong. Sirius felt very tense whenever Remus was in control. He didn’t want to make assumptions but it wasn’t hard to guess what may have happened. And with all the horrible things coming out about powerful men in the industry, it sadly wouldn’t surprise Remus if it were one of them. It made sense, Sirius said multiple times he loved film, but he hated everything about the industry.

“Fine, I’ll go.”

“Thank god.” Hestia sighed. “You’re free until tomorrow, so please go.”

Remus went down the hall towards Sirius’ room, wondering what he was going to say when the door opened and Sirius was standing there in front of him. In his dreams, Sirius usually dramatically kissed him, like one of his rom-coms when the main characters reunited towards the end of the film. Sometimes there were declarations of love. It was all very movie-esque. But his life was not a movie.

When the door opened, Frank was standing there with a big grin on his face. “Remus! Didn’t know you were stopping by. Mary and I thought we’d pop in. We were about to text you to come down.”

Remus wanted to scream. He had listened to Hestia and thought maybe he’d be able to find some courage and see Sirius. “Hi.” He forced a smile. "I miss you." He really did miss Frank and Mary, but not as much as Sirius.

“We were just talking about you, come on.” Frank ushered him into the suite, to find Sirius sitting with Mary at the table with a cup of tea in each of their hands.

“Remus! Oh, I’ve missed you.” Mary said, standing up and coming over to envelop him in a big hug. “I heard you’re getting a load of offers.”

“I have, it’s sort of crazy. I don’t know what to do next. It’s a bit overwhelming.” Remus said, looking at Sirius who stood up to greet him.

“I’m sure they’re all brilliant. No rom-coms?” Sirius smiled before hugging him.

“Oh, no, there are some rom-coms, but that’s okay.” Remus chuckled, feeling a bit sad when Sirius stepped back. “Mostly it’s good, serious work. Some great comedies too.”

“Fantastic! I’m so happy for you.” Sirius said as they all sat down. “What are you going to pick?”

“I honestly can’t decide.” Remus was so afraid to make the wrong move. He did last time and ended up in the same role over and over again. He wanted to take advantage of this buzz, but he just wasn’t sure how.

“I hate to cut our reunion short, but I have to pick Alice up at the airport,” Frank said suddenly. Alice and Frank had been together since the movie wrapped. She had not only signed on as his girlfriend, but she was a great manager of his time.

Remus thought that the excuse was suspicious, but it wasn’t as questionable when about five minutes later when Mary made her own excuses to leave. She suddenly had somewhere to be and was missing details on what that exactly was. “They could have been more obvious, bloody hell.” Sirius sat back in his chair and rolled his eyes.

“Hestia said that Regulus made himself scarce and that I needed to come see you.”

“And you listened.” Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Everyone supports something that’s not even there.”

“They want it to be.”

“And you?”

Remus felt himself flush, “It depends on how you feel.”

“I wish I could tell you.” He laughed sharply. “I think you’re brilliant. I’m sure you know that. But I just don’t think I can do it. I could barely kiss you without…”

“It’s okay,” Remus said quickly.

“It’s not. Why haven’t you even asked me what happened? Don’t you want to know my deep dark secrets?” Sirius implored with a furrowed brow.

“I figure if you want me to know you’ll tell me. Of course, I would like you to tell me but if you don’t want to, then I don’t see why I should pressure you into it.” Remus reasoned.

“You kept your distance for the last seven months.”

“I didn’t know what you wanted, so I was waiting.”

“I still don’t know what I want.” Sirius loudly sighed as if he were frustrated by everything. “I’ve been stringing you along here.”

“You haven’t. I was free to do as I pleased. There weren’t any sort of expectations set, Sirius. I could have got engaged to someone in that time.”

Sirius laughed softly and shook his head. “You wouldn’t.”

“Not in seven months, hell no. I need a solid year or more to make that choice, I think.” Remus smiled.

“Thank god.” Sirius bit his lip. “I don’t know what to do with us.”

“I don’t either.”

“Should we just be us? Let things happen as we go? I’m a fucking mess, Remus, I hope you realize that.”

“You say that a lot, so I can believe it.” Remus snorted a laugh. "It doesn't change how I feel about you."

“I just don’t want you to think that I’m stringing you along. I also don’t want you to break my heart, so I’m just screwed here, I guess.”

“I’ll let you know if things aren’t working,” Remus said, not sure exactly what he was agreeing to with Sirius. “Wait, what exactly are we saying here? Just so we’re clear.”

“I can’t commit to being your boyfriend — and whatever. I don’t think you’d want us to be out anyway.”

“I don’t. Not now, you know how things are.” Remus' career was finally in an uptick. He didn't want that old ingrained homophobia to screw him.

“I do.” Sirius nodded. “Maybe it’s good. We can have a — a trial period of some sort to work things out. I just need you to have a lot of patience with me.”

“I will. I’ll try my best.”

“You are truly unbelievable.” Sirius laughed as he shook his head. “I don’t even know where to start.”

“I think we’ve started.”

“Right. Let’s get dinner.”

“We’re getting dinner with everyone.”

“Shite. We’ll try again with a date or what not later then.”

“Okay.” Remus smiled. He wasn’t sure what was going to happen, and he knew that he was risking being with Sirius. He knew that he could get his heart completely shattered because Sirius obviously wasn’t sure if he could do it. He could also hurt his career. Yeah, the industry tried to act as if it were changing with the times but the old homophobia was still there. It wasn’t going to disappear, just like sexism and racism. “What now?”

“I don’t know.”

***

Two night later, Remus was back in his flat in London. He loved it far more than his place out in California but he felt like he never spent enough time there. They were due to head out on tour in two days time and from the screening in Cardiff, it was getting some great reviews. He couldn’t believe it. It was as if he as living in a dream. He and Sirius hadn’t don’t much except enjoy one another’s company in Cardiff. He had no idea what they were supposed to do. They weren’t dating. They were having a ‘trial period’ like they were buying an appliance or something.

But he was happy to know Sirius wanted to try, and he needed some time. Sirius was also texting him to see if he were busy, something that never happened before when they were both in the same city.

**Are you busy? I’m not far from you flat.**

_No, free. Come over._

**Okay.**

Not five minutes later, Sirius was standing in his living room, looking a bit tired. Remus took his coat and told him to go relax on the sofa before going to make some tea. He stood at the stove, wondering if today would be the day that Sirius would tell him all about his past. Or even something. He was so curious, but whatever it was was traumatic and not something that was easy to talk about.

“Here you go, just a bit of sugar.”

“Thanks,” Sirius smiled, setting the hot cup of tea on the side table to cool. “Sorry for not giving much notice.”

“It’s fine, Sirius. Is everything okay?”

“I’m just — so this whole, the Me Too movement hits a bit close… ugh god. When I was just starting out I was sexually abused by someone in the industry multiple times so it’s — this whole thing has been hard to see and read and hear about constantly. I’m so proud of all these women and men who are speaking up but it’s bringing back up a lot for me.”

Remus frowned. He had guessed this was the reason for how Sirius was but he never wanted it to be true.

“It’s okay if you don’t know what to say. I’m shocked I could even get the words out but the Potters are all off in Greece at the moment and Regulus is busy with Bill. I just needed someone who knew and I didn’t want my therapist.”

“Right, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. You didn’t do it.” Sirius assured him then picked up his tea to take a sip.

“That’s why you struggled so much? I thought for a long while it was your parents who—”

“Oh, they were totally complicit in the whole thing. As was my agency and so on.” Sirius bit his lip. “It’s why I couldn’t sleep you. I wanted to but when you were on top of me, it felt like you were pinning me down. I knew I could freely do whatever I wanted at that moment somewhere in my brain but the rest of my body panicked. I hope this isn’t too much. I just needed to talk to someone and I felt like I needed to tell you because it’s just sort of been hanging between us.”

“I appreciate that you know you could tell me.” Remus was sure what to say, but he didn't mind listening to what Sirius needed to tell him.

“I’ve fucked up a lot of good things because of my past, and I really don’t want to fuck up what we’re working on here. Whatever this is.” Sirius undid the messy bun that was holding his hair together then went to put it back up.

“Well, you have a new chance not to fuck things up, right?”

“Exactly.”

“How about we order take away then watch some telly?”

“Like a date?”

“If you fancy to call it a date.” Remus smiled.

“I’ve never really dated, that sounds rather lovely.”

“Brilliant.” Remus grinned, standing up to get his laptop. “You can choose something from Netflix on the telly while I find my laptop to see what we should eat.”

A few hours later they had full bellies and were relaxing on the sofa in the living room. Remus was surprised when Sirius decided to snuggle up with him. The other man seemed unsure of what to do so Remus just let him do as he pleased, “Am I doing this right?” Sirius snorted a laugh.

“Right?”

“Look, it shouldn’t surprise you that I don’t cuddle. Especially fully sober and fully clothed.”

“Any way that’s comfortable for you, Sirius, is fine,” Remus said, rest a hand on the man’s knee.

“This is fine then.” Sirius sighed, fully relaxing against Remus’ side. “Thank you.”

“For what, exactly?”

“For being on the same planet and existing in the same space as me.” Sirius laughed. “I never thought I’d find someone who I would actually want to try for. Here you are.”

“Here I am, then” Remus hoped that Sirius could work things out within himself and that he could support the other man whenever possible. He had a lot of work to do, and Remus had never thought of being involved with someone with such a past. He was going to do his damned best to get it all right, even if it was most likely going to hurt at some points.

It didn’t feel like the end of this road with Sirius. He felt like there was going to be a lot more ahead for them. So it almost felt difficult for him to relax completely.


	9. All the BS

Sirius was very much over press and wanted to start writing another screenplay. He was happy that as a director he didn’t get as much as the actors. He could lay low a lot, which he tried his best to do. But it was now ramping up to awards seasons, and there’d be more press because he was nominated at the Globes, SAGs, and Critic’s Choice for Best Director and the film was up for Best Picture at all three. Mary was nominated for Best Actress and Remus for Best Actor. Sirius had hope that his film would find an audience but he was taken aback at how popular it seemed to be among critics, and now moviegoers who were giving it great reviews online.

Their press didn’t seem to end for the movie, and Remus seemed to need to always be in other places than near Sirius. They had spent plenty of time together since Sirius decided to go to Remus’ flat in London and finally tell him what he could. They had just enjoyed one another’s presence for the most part. There was one night when Remus stayed in Sirius’ hotel room, and they had snogged just a little. Remus was hesitant, and Sirius could feel it. He also didn’t feel like he was giving back what he should have been. He still felt stressed. Sirius wished he could have just thrown himself into Remus’ arms and let him have his way with him, but he couldn’t.

At the same time, every time he was around Remus, he felt inadequate. He felt like he gave Remus nothing in return for everything the other man was giving him. Sirius felt like he didn’t deserve to have the man in his life. He didn’t want to keep the other man waiting, and nearly every night he thought about calling and telling him that it wasn’t going to work. To just move on the best he could, and go be happy because Sirius felt that he would never be satisfied himself. But he always managed to talk himself out of it. He hated that he felt that way, but it was true. How could Remus just wait it out? Who knew how long that he’d be waiting?

That night, Sirius got himself together for some party hosted by his Hogsmeade for one reason or another. They were in New York, while Remus and his actors were out in LA. Something to do with the company being up for so many being up for awards. The usual who’s who was invited. Sirius would have rather pulled his hair out than go, but he figured that he needed to at least make an appearance because he didn’t want his old reputation of being cold and a diva coming back.

Things were always like they were at these types of events. Famous people, people trying to make a name for themselves. Everyone pretended to like one another or act as if they hadn’t slept together that one time. Sirius found a few people he could actually tolerate. For the most part stayed close to them. One of them being the French actress Fleur Delacour. There was a rumor they had dated in the past, but that was not the case at all. “So, what are you doing now outside of directing? Are you dating anyone?” She asked.

“No, not really.”

“Not really?” Fleur raised an eyebrow. “‘Ow do you not really date?”

“It’s complicated but I think, I think it’s going to be short-lived.” He could never say that to his brother or any of the Potters because they loved the idea of Sirius dating Remus. But it was just too complicated. No else seemed to notice that.

“Stupid, I’m sure.” She huffed. “‘Oo is ‘e?”

“Someone. He’s great. Too great for me.”

“You are great too.” She frowned. “I do not know what you need to do to see that.”

Sirius didn’t want to have that conversation any longer. He also didn’t want to be at the party any longer. Sirius realized that Tom Riddle was at the party. He had seen him across the room and had kept an eye on him the whole time. Thankfully, the man showed up late, so Sirius didn’t have to spend to much time in the same room as him. He had called his car to be ready to go as soon as he made the rounds in saying goodbye to Peter and a few others.

Before that, Sirius decided to go to the restroom. He needed to try to calm his anxiety before acting too strange in front of the people at the party. He splashed some water on his face and took a few deep breaths. “You’re fine. You’re going home.” He said to himself softly, after checking there was no one else in the bathroom. He washed his clammy hands then took another deep breath before heading to the door. As he did that, the door swung open. His heart jumped into his throat, thinking the worst. He usually thought the worst thing was going to happen but this time he was right.

“Sirius,” Tom smiled, that type of smile that only truly evil people have. Sirius wasn’t sure how to ever convey that on film or give that sort of direction. That was something, someone just had in their soul, apparently. “How are you darling?”

“I’m on my way out, actually.” He said, firmly attempting to walk by him.

Tom grabbed his shoulder and pinned him right up against the door. Sirius knew that he’d end up in this position again someday. Even if it had been years since the other man touched him, he knew that one day it’d happen again. “What are you doing, really?”

“Leaving.” Sirius tried his best to stay firm and standing up straight. He felt horribly small.

“Come back to my hotel. Like old times.”

Sirius had so much to say about those old times and how horrible it was but nothing was coming out. He was stuck in his old ways. He felt like he had no voice once again. He was that scared pre-teen once more.

Thankfully someone tried to open the door, making Tom step back. Sirius flung the door open and made his way out. He went straight to the exit and stood out in the cold, waiting for his car. He thanked God for whoever the impatient person was at the door. Even though he got away, he felt like absolute shite.

Sirius sat in the back of the car on his way to the hotel room, feeling a bit empty inside. He pulled out his phone. He called Remus, and instead of asking him for some comfort or telling him what had happened after the other man greeted him Sirius said, “I can’t do this.”

“What?” Remus sounded completely dumbfounded. “Sirius, what can’t you do?”

“We can’t have this trial run. I can’t make you wait for me. I know that you said you’re willing, and everything but it’s never going to work.” Sirius said, feeling the tears on his cheeks.

“I don’t understand, what happened for you to think this?”

“Nothing happened. I was just… I just know that I can’t do it. It’s a trial period, right? That’s what we said, and I think I’m done trying this.”

Remus was quiet for a solid minute. Sirius wasn’t sure if he should hang up his phone or not. “If that’s what you want, that’s fine. I want you, Sirius but I can’t make you want me back.”

“I hate how understanding you are.” Sirius sniffled.

“I don’t know what else to say.”

“Don’t hate me.”

“I don’t hate you. I’m just upset because I thought you could do it. I still think you can do a relationship, but you’re putting up some wall.”

Remus was right because the man seemed always to be right.

“I’ll let you go.”

“Okay.”

“I’m sorry again.”

Sirius ended the call and felt the sob that he was holding back, break free. He couldn’t wait to get to his hotel room and just be alone. Thankfully Regulus was on a date with Bill somewhere in the city so he wouldn’t be bothered at all. Hopefully, Remus wouldn’t tell Hestia or tip off Regulus what happened.

After crying over Remus and the whole situation for sometime in his hotel room, Sirius felt angry. Sirius, it felt as if his blood was boiling. How could this man still practically own him? How could he let himself throw away something significant in his life because this man was so deep in his head? It wasn’t fair. He knew that he needed to do something, so he decided to take to Twitter because everyone would see finally. He didn’t consult anyone, he just went for it.

_I’ve kept silent for far too long. I’ve listened to the women and men who have been so strong, so brave. It’s mine turn to say #Metoo. 1/_

_When I was 12 I met Tom Riddle and he offered to be my mentor. My parents eagerly said, YES! Because They were looking out for my big break. It did happen, thanks to Tom. But in return he took a lot from me. He took my innocence. My passion. 2/_

_He raped me repeatedly over the span of 6 years. He made my life a living hell. When I was trying to find my voice and get out of the situation I was shut down at every turn. No one believed me. I was wrong. I was a kid. I should have been happy with the attention 3/_

_I struggled for so long in silence. I let him ruin my life. I let him have control for far too long. I tried to kill myself, thinking it’d be easier than all this. I managed to make it back here to Hollywood. And last night I had the pleasure to run into him again 4/_

_I felt like a child again when he backed up against the door of the bathroom. He said he missed me and wanted me to come back to his hotel room. Luckily some bloke tried to barge in and I managed to get away. But I realized something in that moment. 5/_

_I need to let everyone know how bad Tom Riddle is. I can’t go on thinking he’s done this to more young people. I can’t let him ruin my life anymore. He doesn’t own me. I just want to be happy and I know that I can be. But I also want him to rot and finally get his. 6/_

It didn’t take long for his phone to start blowing up. He shut it off and crawled into bed, not sure what was going to happen next. For the moment he didn’t want to think about what the consequences were going to bring.

When he did turn on his phone, the only message that he read was from Remus.

**Sirius— I know that you want us to end and I will give you what you want. Let me just say a few last things. If last night was the reason why you broke up with me, I’m sorry. I’m here if you change your mind or not. I do want you to know how incredibly proud of you I am. You couldn’t even speak to me about this until last month. You’re so strong, and you have so much ahead of you. Remember, no matter what I mean to you, I’m still your friend and will be there if you ever need me. —Remus**

***

Sirius went back to Greece for Christmas to spend it with the Potters and the Tonks. His parents were still alive back in London, but they never spoke. They didn’t even send kind thoughts to one another over the Christmas holidays. Since entering his own story into the #MeToo novel, Sirius was being hounded by reporters and paparazzi. Networks were calling for interviews. His therapist and specialists were all calling as well. The Potters and the Tonks too. Anyone of the people he considered a friend or acquaintance was on the phone. But he hadn’t said one more word about it. He just took back off to Greece again.

//You left him right after your run in with Tom?// Regulus insisted for the five hundredth time as they sat down for dinner. Sirius hadn’t told him why they stopped trying to make it work.

//I did. Will you stop asking now?// Sirius said.

“I just don’t understand why you had to leave him.” Effie sighed. “I’m sure it must be hard for you, but after all you’ve gone through and all you’ve worked on, I thought maybe this was it. I knew it when you brought him to dinner that night. You liked him. I’m not even sure you knew it then but it’s so obvious.”

“You should have seen them on set,” Bill said before taking a drink of wine. Yes, Bill was joining them for Christmas. “The chemistry is undeniable.”

“I’m sorry, I let you all down.”

“You didn’t let us down. We just want you to be happy. You were finally shedding all the shite that he did to you and living your own life.” James frowned as he looked at Sirius across the table. “You can’t let him keep you from being happy.”

“I know.” Sirius snapped then run a hand through his hair. “Can we eat and not talk about this. Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Lily assured him and rubbed his back quickly.

After dinner, Sirius went for a walk on the vineyard, trying to find some peace or sanity because it felt like he couldn’t catch either of those for some time. Being on set was great, and he felt fantastic. As he predicted, things didn’t go so well in the part that involved press and parties. It was hard. He wanted to just be okay with everything, but it was impossible. He was sick of going over the same thing five hundred times in his head. He was sick of having the same conversations with everyone. He couldn’t get it together.

How was he supposed to go the rest of his life as it was now? How was he going to get over this last hurdle in his life? He had made some new friends on his set, he told his truth to the entire world but he so desperately wanted to let Remus in but just couldn’t. What else was there to do?

“Hey, Padfoot,” Lily said, calling him by their old boarding school nickname. She was sitting on the front porch of the Potter’s house on the property with a cup of tea.

“Lilypad.” Sirius smiled as he decided to sit next to her on the swing.

“‘I’d ask how you are, but I don’t think that I need to.” She smiled sadly. “One day you’re going to be so unbelievably happy that every day like this is going to be a distance memory.”

“I hope you’re right.” Sirius sighed. “Thanks for helping me out earlier.”

“It’s okay. They always want to talk about things, and sometimes you don’t have to talk about things.” She shrugged.

“I want to be okay in a relationship. I just need to get over whatever it is that’s holding me back. I feel horrible for Remus because I’ve been so hot and cold with him.”

“From what I hear, he sounds very reasonable and understanding.”

“Sometimes I just want him to get angry about it, is that weird?” Sirius raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t know. Maybe you’re looking for him to tell you that he wants you and you need to stay with him? What would you say if he told you that you were his?”

“I don’t know.”

“He probably doesn’t want to. He sounds big on consent and mutual understanding. You’re going to have to be the one who says that it’s okay.” Lily said, putting her arm around his shoulders. “One day you’ll be able to. You pushed aside what happened to you for so long. I’m sure that it’s going to take a long time for you to heal. You’re doing great, though.”

“What’s it going to take for me to be able just to let myself have a relationship with someone I do like?”

“I don’t know, what do you think?”

“I honestly have no idea.” Sirius groaned. “You think after everything, I’d know, or I’d be able to commit. He’s so good to me, Lily.”

“Take your time, Sirius. I’m sure he’s going to be there whenever you’re ready.”

“I’d hate for him to wait for me.”

“Well, I don’t think you have much say over that.”

“True.” Sirius sighed, resting his head against her shoulder. He hoped that he’d soon be able to let himself accept that love Remus wanted to give.


	10. Downhill at Full Speed

Remus spent a good Christmas with his parents in England. He didn’t want to leave and go back to the real world afterward. It meant having to see Sirius, which didn’t seem like something that he wanted to do. The other man left him when they weren’t even together, and it hurt far more than he expected. He understood, or at least he tried to understand, why Sirius felt that way. He also had a feeling that the breakup had to do with bloody Tom Riddle and the run in he had with him that very night. If he ever had a chance just to get his hands on the man…

Since Sirius spoke up about what Riddle did to him, there were other former child actors and current adult actors coming out of the woodwork it seemed. Enough so, and current enough, for the man to be brought up on charges. By the time the Golden Globes came around the man had looked like he was going to be spending a long time in jail not only for the rape but the irrefutable evidence on his computer of child pornography. The whole thing made Remus so angry and ill at the same time.

“Fuck him,” Hestia said, coming into Remus’ living room of his LA flat the night of the Globes. He was watching some special report on Riddle, talking about second-hand knowledge about Sirius. Sirius hadn’t given one interview since it all came out. Remus knew he was probably struggling with what he did. The tweets were obviously a gut reaction to what happened in that bathroom when Riddle decided to try again. He hoped Sirius didn’t regret it because it set off some actions to put Riddle behind bars.

“Agreed.”

“I can’t believe I worked for that bastard.” Hestia frowned, staring at the screen for a moment.

“It was a job at the time. You didn’t know.” Remus tried to assure her that it was fine.

“No, but I knew he was a fucking arsehole.” She gritted her teeth. “If I had known I’d be in jail for murder.”

“I’d be right along with you. God, we need not to watch this.”

“You’re watching it because of Sirius.” She said knowingly but turn the television off. “Is he coming tonight?”

“I thought you’d know better since you’re in touch with Reg.”

“I’ve no clue. Reg’s busy with helping Sirius and also getting his brain shagged out by Bill.”

Remus snickered as he stood up. “I guess we’ll find out soon enough.”

“Yes, that’s why I’m here. To sort you because you need to get dressed and ready to go.” She tapped on her watch.

“I can’t believe I’m up for an award.”

“Not an award. THE award. Best Actor. And the film is up for Best Picture and Sirius Best Director. And the cinematography. So bloody brilliant.”

“I can’t believe the screenplay was snubbed here.”

Hestia shrugged, going over to where his suit was hanging. “Hopefully he’ll be rewarded in the other two categories because he does deserve it. I’m not saying it because you worked on the film and this is where I earn my paycheck—”

“Of course.”

“I mean it, it was the best film this year.” Hestia said. “Now, let’s go win some awards.”

And win they did, for every single one of the awards that the movie was up for. Remus could barely believe it, including his best actor award. He knew that he was good, but it was still amazing. Sirius was there too, and he seemed off. Like he was trying way too hard to act normally. He did give a beautiful speech when he won Best Director:

“There are so many people I should thank including my cast and crew who were phenomenal. My adoptive family, the Potters, and of course my only real family I care about the Tonks and my brother. I wouldn’t be here without you. And Peter at Hogsmeade for giving me this chance. But I just wanted to say to anyone out there who is struggling with their demons or if they think that their past is just too much to overcome — it’s not. I promise you. You have to keep going. It’s not going to get better magically, believe me, but it will day by day, piece by piece. Surround yourself with the good — good people, good stories, good food, good music. Work hard. One day, you’ll be able to see through the clouds.”

Remus gave the other man a big hug when he won, and he felt Sirius cling to him for probably a moment too long before he went up on stage. There was this moment where Remus thought, maybe, Sirius would tell him that he was wrong and he still wanted to try. But that didn’t happen, of course.

At the after party, Remus spent it mostly with Marlene, Dorcas, Frank, and Alice— who Frank was now practically married to. He wasn’t sure where Sirius was, hopefully with his brother in Bill or Mary or just someone good.

But as the party started to wind down, Remus, of course, found out that he was wrong. He found Sirius stumbling out of the restrooms. “Lupin!”

“Sirius, what happened?” Remus wasn’t sure what to do. Sirius had been sober for well over two years now. This was not good.

“Nothing. I think it’s time I should go back to my hotel room.” He rubbed the back of his neck the stumbled again, Remus caught him.

“That’s a good idea.” Remus sighed, find his phone to ask Hestia to send the car. She was having a good time herself, so he told her to stay and enjoy herself. “Come on.”

“Back to your place, I hope.” Sirius grinned, putting an arm around Remus.

“To Yours. Is Reggie there?” Remus ignored his flirting because he knew that it meant nothing.

“No, no, he’s in own with Bill. So sweet.” The director rolled his eyes. “But we can be alone then.”

“Sirius, you don’t want to be alone with me like that. I know you don’t.”

“I do, though. I always wanted to, but I’m a coward.” Sirius insisted as the made their way towards the exit.

“You’re not a coward, and you know that. Can I let go of without you falling? There’s a lot of people around.” Remus didn’t want the paparazzi to take a snap that would lead people to think, well, to think the truth of what was happening with Sirius. People knew he was sober, that was one thing he had mentioned in the press before. He didn’t want this to detract from the fact Sirius’ film had swept up their awards that night.

“Yes,” Sirius said confidently and did a very good job of staying on his feet as they made their way towards the car pick up area. He swayed just a bit as they waited for Remus’ car to come up in the lineup. They didn’t speak either until they were in the car, thankfully. “God I’ve missed you.” He said rather dramatically as if they had been separated by war or something.

“Sirius, this isn’t the right time for this conversation. You’re drunk and probably high, I think, so you’re going to regret saying anything right now. I’m also not going to believe anything you say right now. Look, I’m here for you, but if you were sober you wouldn’t be saying or doing these things. I don’t care if this is how you feel deep down at your core. I want you to get there when you’re healthy and sober.”

Sirius huffed a breath but moved closer, pressing his lips to Remus’ neck.

“Stop, Sirius.” He gave him a little push. “Please, don’t do this.”

Sirius sat back in his seat and folded his arms. “I finally can do this, and you don’t want to.”

“Not like this and I know you don’t want to do it like this. So please, just let me get you back to your room safely and make sure you’re okay. You’re not going to be happy tomorrow morning, I think.”

“Am I ever?” Sirius scoffed.

They again were silent until they made it to Sirius’ hotel room. The walk up was uneventful, thankfully the halls were empty, as were the elevators. The other man was looking more and wearier as they made their way. Remus hoped he wasn’t going to puke in the middle of the hall as they walked.

When they got in, Sirius fell on to his bed with a groan. “You can leave now.”

“What’d you take?” Remus wasn’t exactly knowledgeable about drugs, but he had a phone and could figure out if Sirius was in any danger. He prayed to whatever god was out there that nothing would go wrong, but who knew?

“I don’t know.”

“Sirius.”

“I drank, and I took something, I don’t know what it was though. Because I’m a self-destructive idiot. I’ll be fine. I’ve been worse.”

“I’ll stay with you. Or get Reg.” Remus reasoned.

“No, no Reg right now. He’s worse at the silently judging and saying his not than you.”

“Okay.” Remus wasn’t sure what to say to that because he didn’t feel like he was judging Sirius. The man was mending old wounds, and it took a lot. Sometimes things like this happened, addicts relapse. He was never going to hold it against Sirius.

He took a seat on the chair in the room. He desperately wished that he did take Sirius to his place because at least he’d be able to change into something a little more comfortable than his suit. He wasn’t going to be able to sleep all night, afraid that Sirius would die in his sleep or something irrational like that. He was probably going to be fine, but Remus didn’t want to take the chance and leave him.

The night was uneventful, thankfully. Sirius slept soundly. Remus watched telly on low and rotated between three apps on his phone. Sirius was still sleeping when there were a few quick knocks on the door at around 7:30 am.

Reg was standing there with a surprised look on his face when he opened the door. He was sure that Regulus was hoping that Remus and Sirius would get together if Regulus were anything like Hestia, Frank, Alice, or Mary. “What are you doing here?”

“Your bother didn’t have a great night,” Remus said softly, not wanting to alert the rest of the guests on the floor.

“Oh no.” Regulus sighed and closed his eyes. “He relapsed?”

“Yeah.”

“Fuck. Is he up yet? Is he okay?”

“No, but he’s breathing. I’ve checked. A few times. He was coherent too when I brought him home but obviously drunk.”

“Good. Okay. Ah, I’m not sure what to do. Should I stay?”

“He said something about you silently judging,” Remus said with a short laugh.

“Of course he did. Call me when he’s awake. I’ll try to figure out a game plan. He was supposed to have an interview today. I’ll cancel that. Thank god the press knows that he hates to do press.”

“You need to take a deep breath too, I think,” Remus said after listening to Regulus talk a bit frantically.

“Right, I’m just worried about my brother.”

“He’ll be fine, Reg.”

“When he said you’re too good, I think he was right.” Regulus snickered before saying goodbye and heading down the hall. Remus wasn’t too sure what to do with that comment for the younger Black brother, so he just closed the door and went back into the room once Reg went to walk away. Surprisingly Sirius was sitting up in bed, looking at the bin that Remus had set next to the bed as if he wanted to use it. “You’re up.”

“You can go get my brother.” Sirius’ voice was tried and low.

“I think he needs a moment.”

“He does? I’m the one who had a relapse.” Sirius complained, reaching up to his messy hair to put it in a neater bun. “God I feel like utter shite. Why are you here?”

“You don’t remember?”

“No, I remember going to the after party and not much after that. Where are my awards?” Sirius looked around the room slowly.

“Um, I don’t know.” Remus frowned. He knew his was with Hestia because he was too paranoid to lose it.

“Fuck. Fuck, I’m such an idiot.” Sirius put a hand over his face.

“You’re a recovering addict, Sirius.”

“So, what, you pulled me off the floor and carried me home?”

Remus laughed and shook his head as he sat down in the chair again. “No, I found you stumbling out of the loo and decided you needed to get home. You looked like you needed a mate. You tried to shag me, so there’s that.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be Sirius. I don’t know what your trigger was last night, but something happened.”

“Nothing did,” Sirius said with a sniffle, Remus realized the man had tears on his cheeks. “Well, maybe everything did. I just haven’t been able to get a good hold on things since I ran into bloody Tom.” He sniffled again, so Remus stood up and went to get the tissues next to the TV. “I should have taken more time off and spent it with Poppy or someone. I don’t know. I shouldn’t have come back so soon after that. Or I shouldn’t have even gone to the after party. Thanks.” Sirius said, taking a tissue from the box then blowing his nose. “There’s so much I have to do now. I don’t even know where to start.”

“We could make a list?”

“You’re so pragmatic sometimes.” Sirius took another tissue to wipe the tears from his face as he let out a soft chuckle.

“Want me to grab a pen and paper?” Remus asked. “It might help.”

“Okay.”

Remus found on in the desk then took a seat next to Sirius, “What do you need to do?”

“Call Poppy. Call my sponsor. Find a meeting. Shower. Have breakfast. Find my awards. Call James and Lily. Try to figure out if I need to do damage control with anyone.”

“Maybe start with a shower, and I could order room service while you’re at it?”

Sirius smiled, “Thanks. I think you should call Reggie, now, I think.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.” Sirius grabbed another tissue. “You did enough, Remus, I don’t need you to help with the cleanup. I have Regulus and a whole load of other people for that. Thanks for helping me out last night and staying with me.” Sirius said as he reached for his phone.

***

Sirius didn’t go to the SAG awards, even though Patent of the Heart ended up taking away all of their awards again. They were now the odds-on favorite for the Academy Awards. Remus still didn’t want to get his hopes up about that, but how couldn’t he be at least a little bit excited. But he didn’t hear from Sirius until the week after the SAGs. Remus wasn’t sure what the other man had been up to at that time, but he hoped that he was getting some help.

In between that time, though, someone posted the pictures of Remus and Sirius leaving the Globes after party together. Rumors were swirling around everywhere that they were dating. Remus had to shut it down multiple times, as well as his agency. His agency said that he was straight, which was bothering him. So, he decided that he was going to come out as bi. If Sirius could cut himself open and let all of that shite that happened to him be out in the open, why couldn’t he just say he was bi? It was nothing. It shouldn’t be anything. If the scripts stopped coming in, then he’d just have to figure something out. Hopefully, that wasn’t going to be the case.

But that was his plan for the late afternoon. He was going to give the exclusive to one of his favorite writers. He just needed to tell the truth, why should he wait any longer? If Hollywood was going to reject him now, after finally getting some recognition, then he didn’t want to be in the industry any longer. That was going to have to wait, though, because Sirius had texted him.

Remus knew he should have been taking a step back from Sirius, but he still had some hope that the man would be able to overcome that last wall in front of him from letting him be happy. Remus wanted to try to have a relationship with the other man, but only if he were ready.

About an hour later, Remus was at a cute little bistro off the beaten LA path. He choose a seat on the private back patio, and thankfully no one else was out there to eat. Sirius showed up a little late, but he looked happier and healthier than the last time that they had seen one another. “Sorry, for being so last minute but I need the opinion of someone who isn’t family or I pay them to tell them their opinions.”

“It’s okay. I’ve missed you.” Remus said after giving the other man a quick hug.

“Even though I’ve caused you some media issues.”

“It’s fine. I don’t give a shite. What’s up?” Remus asked, but the waitress came over for their drink orders before disappearing quickly.

“So, I was asked to speak about, er, me I guess at a Times Up event the day after the Oscar Luncheon, on February 6th.”

“That’s brilliant.”

“I opened this bloody Pandora’s Box with my tweets, and I haven’t said anything about them since. Why are they asking me? There’s some many women out there who need to—”

“Well, these women are asking you because they think that it’s important to tell your story. You were raped as a child. There are so many young people in Hollywood who can get taken advantage of. Don’t you want to try to help? If you can make one person feel better with your words, isn’t worth it?” Remus asked, leaning on the table.

“What if I’m not strong enough?”

“You’re bloody well strong enough.” Remus shook his head.

Sirius sat back in his seat and smiled softly. “Why do you believe in me? I’ve done nothing but let you down?”

“Let me down how? Just because you’re not ready to date? I’d have been more let down if you did string me along. You didn’t let me down professionally. You’ve made my career.” Remus said honestly. “You’ve been a good friend too. I have no reason to not to believe in you.”

“You’re fantastic.”

“You are too. I wish you could see that. I’m not too good for you, you know?” Remus shook his head. “Please don’t think that.”

“I’ll try,” Sirius said with a slight smile. “I’m so scared to go stand up on stage to talk in front of so many people.”

“It’s okay to be scared, but you have to try.”

“I’m trying. I’ll try.”

“Good. I can’t wait to hear your speech then.” Remus smiled before reaching for the menus. “Let’s order.”

A few minutes later their drinks came, and they ordered their food. “So, what are you up to today?” Sirius asked when the waitress left. “Other than lunch with me.”

“I’m going to be coming out.”

“What!?” Sirius’ eyes went wide. “I thought you were worried about your career. I assumed you’d be shutting that all down with the stuff that was being said about us.”

“When my agency said I was straight, felt like I was going mad. I just want to be me. How can I be me if I’m not out? I’m sick of being in the closet because I’m too worried about my career.”

“Wow, I’m — I’m proud of you.” Sirius smiled. “People are going to talk even more about us?”

“Who cares?” Remus rolled his eyes. “They weren’t wrong, right?”

“Right,” Sirius said a bit sadly.


	11. Finding the Strength

Sirius felt like his heart was legitimately going to pound out of his chest. He was on his way to the Times Up event that he had been going back and forth on attending for what seemed like ages. If it weren’t for Remus’ encouragement, he probably wouldn’t have gone. He hadn’t given any interview about Tom or his past, but he knew that he should. If he could do this, then maybe it’d help him gain a bit more confidence talking about it.

//I’m not going in.// Regulus said as the car pulled up to the hotel where the event was being held.

“What?” Sirius said because he needed some type of support going into this.

//My hearing aid is being shite.// He pointed to his ear with a frown. //Plus, someone else is here for you. You’ll be happier with them than me.//

//Remus?// Sirius signed, feeling just a little bit of that anxiety melt away. Not all of it, but some of it.

Reg nodded. //He asked if he could be here for you, so I gave him my seat.//

//Thank you.//

//One day, you’re going to marry him. This will be something I include in my speech at the wedding.//

Sirius scoffed as the car came to a stop.

//You’re going to be great. Everyone in there is so supportive. I’ll have Poppy ready for you to talk to when you get out of there if you need.//

//I don’t know where I’d be without you.//

//Completely lost.// Regulus laughed then moved to hug his brother as the door opened.

Sirius hurried inside once he got out of the car. He didn’t want to stop and talk to any press. He just wanted to get into the room. Sirius was shown his table, where Remus was sitting and chatting with Mary who was there because she was one of the leading women working with Times Up. Sirius was so happy to have them both there.

“Sirius, I’m so glad you're here,” Mary said, getting up to hug him. “How are you?”

“Terrified.”

“You’re going to be brilliant,” Remus said, standing up to hug him after Mary let go.

“Thank you for being here.”

“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else today.”

The program started shortly after Sirius had arrived. Many wonderful speakers and survivors spoke before Sirius that it made him feel a bit more stressed by the time it got to him. At some point, Remus had taken his hand and held it tight underneath the table. Sirius felt himself take a deep breath when he did. He felt so secure with Remus. He wanted the feeling all the time. He wished that Remus could have got up on stage with Sirius, but that couldn’t happen.

When his name was called, he made his way up to the podium, speech in hand. If he didn’t have the paper in front of him, he would have gone off track. He had written some of his deepest secrets down, and now he was going to share them. He took one more deep breath, not looking out in front of him yet, and then began to speak, “When I came forward with my story, the ladies here reached out to me and asked if I’d be willing to speak for not only male survivors but especially for our young actors and actresses. My immediate response was no. Because, god, just saying that I was abused out loud to the whole world was enough. I haven't been able to talk about it since I tweeted out what happened.” Sirius stop to take another deep breath, and he finally looked out into the crowd. Instead of feeling scared, he felt encouraged to keep going.

“Also, I’m a guy, and there are so many women who deserve this stage. I don’t want to be that bloke who steals all the attention away. Then someone told me that I might be able to help kids that are at risk today or who might be struggling with their past and well, that helped me change my mind. So, I’m here for the youth I lost, I guess, in hopes that I can help save someone else’s.” Sirius paused again, hoping the words were flowing nicely because he could barely hear himself. But the more he spoke, the more relaxed he became.

“Since I was a young, I loved to act. I was dramatic and loved to mimic people. I was putting on plays for my parents’ stupidly posh friends. They realized that I had talent after seeing me in a school play, so off to Hollywood, I went to find some employment. I was made to accept everything at first until I got the chance to be choosy. One of those opportunities was getting a mentor. I was twelve, and he was in his late twenties and a fairly popular actor who I won’t name because it’s not about him right now. He gained the trust of my parents and myself. He gave me things from his films. He took me to events. He made me feel good, and he seemed to understand how much I hated my parents. I had no idea how horrible this seemly nice bloke was.

“One night about four months after meeting him for the first time, he had taken me to a show back in London when we both were there for separate shootings. He brought me back to his hotel room, claiming he had something for me, and that was the first night he raped me before bringing me home and acting as if nothing happened. I got through it by telling myself ‘it’s just this one time’. Then it happened again and again and-- I would like to say I lost count but I didn’t because the number is what I played in my brain like some type of mantra. Something strange and solid to cling on to.” Sirius finally felt confident in his words as he went on.

“But, it continued for six years. Anytime I saw him, and there was a chance for him to get me alone. I tried to tell my parents, but they blew it off. Told me I was exaggerating and being dramatic. They were emotionally abusive, so it shouldn’t surprise anyone they just didn’t care or even try to believe me. I told my brother when I was a bit older but he was younger than me, and he didn’t know what to say or do. I tried to tell my agency back then, but it was just swept under the rug. So until I was 18, I suffered and endured because I had no other choice it seemed. Then I apparently got too old for him, and I was free. But I wasn’t free. I was still tormented.

“When I closed my eyes that’s all I could see. When someone would touch me, I’d feel his touch. Then I would think, who was he hurting now and I felt powerless because I didn’t think I could stop him. I hit a spiral downward in an attempt to make it all just stop. I got a reputation for being cold, rude, dramatic, pushy, and a diva. But that was just my armor along with drinking and drugs. My other armor was acting. I choose roles as an action star — not because it was fun as I had told a friend not so long ago. But because I got to be strong even though I felt so fragile. But after shooting, I’d go back to feeling as if I were broken. I suffered for years in silence, and then one day, I was done. I couldn’t take it any longer. I honestly can’t even tell you what the tipping point was. I just seemed not to be able to get myself together.

“I tried to kill myself, but it didn’t work. My PA found me in time. I quit acting. I got on a plane, went to rehab, and then moved to my best mate’s place in Greece. I worked with trauma specialists and endless amounts of therapists, and I started to feel human again. I started to feel comfortable in my recovery. I even came back into the industry, which was hard and a bit scary but I did it because making films is my passion. I couldn’t let him take away something that I truly loved from me any longer. I needed to get it back. I have got it back, but I have to remind myself sometimes to keep going and that I’m getting stronger.

“I’m still not fully okay. I relapsed not too long ago, and I still think about it from time to time. At least it’s not as often as I used to. My armor isn’t as thick and horrid as it used to. I’ve tried to open up to people that aren’t my close friends and my good family members. I keep getting better. That’s the most important part of it all. I just have to keep working, and I have a lot of work to do. For instance, I still can’t even accept the love that someone wants to give me and I so so desperately want to give back. How could someone love someone who has had so much damage done?” Sirius paused and looked up for his eyes to fall on Remus who was sitting on the edge of his seat with a slight sad smile.

Without hesitating for a moment, he went off his script. “There’s this lovely bloke who wants to date me, for reasons unknown to me and I just haven't been able to do it. But he respects that and doesn’t push. We almost shagged one night, and I say almost because I just couldn’t because I never had sex sober. That’s something to say out loud, huh? Well, I pushed him away, and he said ‘all right, do you want to talk about what’s wrong?’. He didn’t push for sex or the conversation I didn’t want to have at that time. He didn’t try again later. But he didn’t disappear either. He’s still around and tries to be a good friend even when I’m a complete shite. Hopefully, I’ll be able to let myself be vulnerable enough to him because I want to accept that love, fully. I do.” Sirius said, almost directly to Remus before getting back on track.

“This whole rambly story is just for me to show you that you don’t magically get better from these things, that you have to work at it. And it’s a lot of work, which I didn’t ask for. You don’t suffer and endure trauma without some type of mark on your psyche. Thankfully I have a support system and people who love me even in my darkest times. It’s hard for me to accept that love and hell, it’s painful for me to be so vulnerable right now. But if my vulnerability can help one person— one child who suffered or who is suffering like I did then it’s for the best. And even though I’m still scared and still struggling, I refuse to go back to how it was before because it was worse.

“Listen to the kids. Listen to the women. Listen to the men. Everyone who is coming forward. It’s scary, and no one wants to do it. Thank god for the strong ones who do are paving the way for the people who may not be able to speak up just yet. When those still afraid or still silenced right now by their abuser do speak up, even if it’s years from now, don’t forget about them. Don’t brush them off, don’t go back to how things were before this moment here. We need to keep this movement going, so we never have to go back to how things were. We need to make these men who take advantage of people suffer from their consequences. It’s their turn to be afraid. Their time is up. More importantly, it’s our turn to change how things work. Thank you.”

Sirius felt as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders as he walked off stage and back to his seat. He wanted to cry or laugh. There were just so many emotions coursing through him. He was surprised when Remus wrapped his arms around him tightly as he got to his table again. “You’re amazing.”

He didn’t want that to be the reason why he started crying, but it was. For some reason, he brain decided to realize at that moment Remus was going to care about him no matter what. He had seen him at not his lowest, but at a low. He had heard Sirius’ story, not in full detail but enough, and he still wasn’t running away. Remus loved him. Without Remus around things weren’t as nice.

“It’s okay,” Remus said quietly as they sat down. “You were great.”

“It’s not that,” Sirius whispered before the next speaker began.

Sirius tried his best to listen to the other speakers, but he just wanted to be alone with Remus. He was the only person that he wanted to speak to for the time being. When it was over, he texted Reg not to send the car because Remus had offered to drive him back to his hotel, which he was getting sick of. He needed to get a place in LA soon if he was going to make a go at this whole writer/director thing. “Actually, could we go back to your flat. I’ve never seen it, and I think we should talk.”

“Sure,” Remus said, changing lanes.

They enjoyed the music that Remus had chosen, and Sirius felt as if his heart was going to burst. But for a good reason. He felt happy. “How’s being out?”

“Oh, fine,” Remus said with a snicker as they got closer to his flat. “More interviews, which is insane because I feel like I’ve been doing press for a year now.”

“Well, it’s just going to keep coming.”

“I think during the few weeks we have here because of the Olympics, I’m going just to hide away and enjoy some time to relax.”

“You deserve it. I think I’m going to be doing some press.” Sirius said. “I spent enough time with people thinking they know my story and speculating. It’s time for them to have it in my own words.”

“Good,” Remus said, pulling into the parking garage next to his building. “I’m happy you’re doing it.”

Sirius smiled as Remus found his parking spot. It wasn’t long until they were making it up to the beautiful apartment that Remus lived in.

“Want some tea or something?”

“No, actually. Actually, yeah.” Sirius said, following Remus towards the kitchen.

“Okay.” Remus laughed at Sirius’ indecisiveness as he went to work with the kettle. “What did you want to talk about?”

“I, ah, I love you,” Sirius said, the words just sort of fell out of his mouth. He wanted to preface it with how he felt about the other man.

“Oh,” Remus said, standing in the middle of the kitchen holding two empty tea cups. “Okay.”

“I realized how much you meant to me today when Reg told me you were going to be there. I felt so relieved. You’re there for me no matter what and I— I do deserve you and I know I probably shouldn’t tell you I love you yet because that’s not how things go, right? We’re not even dating. But I’m shite at this stuff. You know that.”

Remus was still just standing there with the mugs. “I don’t know what to say.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, no, don’t be sorry. I hoped you’d you know, want actually to date me at one point but I didn’t think it’d happen so fast and like this. Not that I’m not happy about it.” He said, finally putting the mugs down on the counter. “Can I kiss you?”

Sirius nodded as Remus stepped closer, putting a hand on his cheek. Remus leaned forward and kissed him soundly. Sirius didn’t feel the urge to run or to push back. He just relaxed into the other man for the first time. He knew he could only do it because he had told Remus about his past and he knew that he wouldn’t try to do anything more at the moment. They didn’t break apart until the kettle whistled.

“Well, this isn’t what I thought I’d be doing this afternoon.” Remus pressed a quick kiss to the corner of Sirius’ mouth before going to see to the kettle.

“What’d you think you’d be doing?”

“I don’t know, coming home and binge-watching something after watching you give your speech.”

“I mean, we can still watch something.” Sirius laughed, feeling a bit daft. He realized that’s how you were supposed to feel after a lovely kiss.

“Right, but I didn’t think you’d be here and… yeah…” Remus sighed. “I think we should wait though, to tell people we’re dating. You’re going to be doing enough with talking about your past. You don’t need to add this to it. I want you to get all your other stuff out first.”

“That’s a good idea. Let’s wait till the Oscars.”

Remus nodded in agreement as he poured the water into the cups.

“But I still get to come home to you.”

“You do.” Remus smiled, setting the kettle down.


	12. The Happy Ending

The morning before the Oscars, Sirius ran his fingers down Remus’ sternum and pressed a few kisses to his neck. Remus sighed happily as the man kissed him and touched him. They had been working on getting Sirius comfortable with the intimacy of dating, it was so far so good. Remus had even gone to a specialist with Sirius and got some excellent advice. They hadn’t had intercourse yet, but they did get off with one another a few times. Sirius panicked a bit, but they were able to work out ways to make him comfortable. The only reason they were able to do that was that Sirius talked about how he was feeling and what he needed. Remus didn’t get that before.

There was plenty to work on in their relationship but since Sirius was able to finally just open up, and put everything out there things were better. The “trial” they had was some distant memory, thank god because that was the worst idea in history it seemed. All the in-between moments were gone too. Things seemed more natural now, even with everything they were working on. Remus could see the difference in the man since he spoke at the Times Up event. He was open and trying. Remus wasn’t sure what exactly it was that let him open up, but he was thankful for whatever happened. Maybe he just officially stopped letting Riddle having anymore type of control over him.

“So, tonight.” Sirius flopped back on to his pillow.

“Tonight.” Remus smiled. “Is there something on tonight?”

“Just a little awards ceremony. Nothing big. I think we’re up for a few.” Sirius chuckled before moving again to press his lips to Remus’. “Are you sure it’s all right I’m bringing my brother as my guest?”

“It’s fine. I’m going with Mary.” He wanted to go with his mum, but she absolutely hated flying. He didn’t want to force her to come out to see him. Mary’s date had got ill at the last minute, so they decided to go together and have some fun. “If I win, I’m telling the whole world I love you. If that’s okay.”

“Such an actor. I always thought I had a flair for the dramatic.” Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Oh, like you don’t want to.” Remus laughed, sitting up a bit. He needed to start getting himself together soon enough or Hestia was going to be over yelling at him.

“No, I do, and I will.”

“My award comes before you. So I’ll beat you to the punch if I win.” Remus pointed out. It was baffling to him that he was the favorite for Best Actor at the Academy Awards. A year ago he was just some guy in rom-coms. He was getting nothing sent to him that he thought was worth his time or full effort. Now, he was being taken seriously and being sent roles with some substance.

“Goddamnit, you’re right. I could snog you on the Red Carpet.”

“I highly doubt that you will.” Remus chuckled. “You’re not going to want to hear the press freak out before the show.”

“No, after is fine because I’ll be able to hide them.” Sirius had been doing so many interviews lately in regards to Riddle and how had dealt, or not dealt with the trauma of it for the longest time. It seemed draining some days, but it also appeared to be some type of therapy for him. At least now the whole world got to understand what had happened to him, and why was given the reputation that he had in the past.

“You should take a break after the Oscars. Maybe go away somewhere.”

“You should too.”

“No, I totally just thought you should leave.” He scoffed. “Of course, I meant both of us.” Remus smiled as he got out of bed.

“I hope so.” Sirius groaned as he threw his blankets off of himself. “Let’s make plans later. We have a big night here.”

“Sounds good to me,” Remus said.

They spent their day getting together. Remus called his parents before Hestia arrived just to chat for a moment. It was always nice to talk to his mum and dad. He wished that he could be with them more. He wondered if maybe Sirius would be interested in at least going back to England for a bit of their time off just to see his parents. He had already met everyone important to Sirius, so it wasn’t as if he had to meet the parents. He never really wanted to meet his actual parents, and Sirius didn’t seem interested in that either.

Soon enough they were both ready to go. Remus went to pick Mary up as Sirius and Reg headed to the Red Carpet. For some reason, he was far more nervous than during the past awards ceremonies. Maybe it was the whole idea of being an Academy Award winner? Remus wished he didn’t care about how it sounded, but it was what he had worked so hard for. He had worked his arse off in uni and did everything he could to make his way in the business. Now he was being rewarded for his talent and his work.

Remus was sat next to Mary, Frank, and Alice right behind Sirius and the Prewetts not too far from the stage. He could barely focus the entire time. He clapped when everyone else clapped, tried to look like he was into everything in case the camera landed on him, and smiled as often as possible. But he was just counting down until the announced Best Actor. Which came right after Mary won Best Actress.

“The Academy Award goes to… Remus Lupin.”

For a moment it felt as if he was having an out of body experience. He hugged everyone, Sirius was last and kissed him quickly on the cheek.

Then he made his was up to the stage, and took the Oscar in his hands. “Wow, god. Thank you so much. I was questioning if I was on the right path before meeting Sirius in Greece a few years ago. I was just going the wrong direction, it seems. Thank you, mum and dad. I love you so much, and you never stopped believing in me and my dreams. I miss you, and hopefully, I’ll see you soon! Thank you, Mary and Frank, because without you I wouldn’t have been able to be Alan and convey his story properly. Thank you, Minerva,, Peter, every single person involved in the movie and also my career. And bloody hell, thank you, Sirius Black. You saw in me something that was reflected in Alan in me, that endless hope even in hard times. I’m glad my hope wasn’t as demolished as his. And I think that I’m far luckier in love than him because you love me back. Yeah, yeah, gasp and clap. It’s been a long time coming for us, and I’m happy to have the happily ever after that our characters in this beautiful movie never got.” He laughed loudly, feeling absolutely happy. “Thank you!”

Somehow he was ushered back to his seat, and Best Director was up. Sirius had turned around to him to smile about four times like some teenager with a crush. It wasn’t a surprise when they announced Sirius’ name. Remus kissed Sirius this time before he went up on stage, “I’m so unbelievably proud of you.”

“I’m a big fan of keeping expectations low in hopes to not to get crushed. I’m so happy that I’m not getting crushed tonight. Thank you Peter and Hogsmeade, and giving me all the faith in the world to make this film. Thank you, Gideon, Fabian, god, if I list every person on my crew and cast I’ll be here all night, and you’ll hate me. I’ll write you thank you notes. But thank you, without every single one of you I wouldn’t have been able to do this. My cast, my lovely wonderful cast. You made my life so easy. I think I was spoilt as a first time director. Mary, Frank, Remus you’re going to do so much in this industry. And Effie, Monty, James, Lily, Reg, Andi, Ted, and Nym — I love you and thank you for all that you’ve done for me. If you didn’t support me at my lowest, I would have never have been able to stand on this stage. This award is for the anyone losing hope. Anyone who is in a situation that they feel like they’ll never escape. Right now, you might not feel like you’re going to be okay, but I swear if you press forward and just find whatever strength and resources you have, you too can live your dreams. Oh, and I need to say, Remus Lupin you are— incandescent. You are someone I highly don’t I deserve, but you still want me and love me anyway. I love you. I love you. Thank you for everything personally and professionally. You are my moon and stars and the whole bloody night sky.”

The rest of the night was spent celebrating. But not too much celebrating. Sirius wanted to go back to Remus’ flat after spending a decent amount of time at the after party. Remus couldn’t disagree. “What’s our next move, then?” Sirius asked as they walked into the flat.

“How about we do the inevitable interviews this coming week. Then I was wondering if you’d want to come to England first with me to see my parents. If not, you can meet me wherever we agree on.”

“No, I want to go. I want to meet the Lupins. I can only imagine how wonderful they are.” Sirius grinned, setting the Best Picture and Best Director Oscars on the kitchen counter.

Remus smiled as he set his Oscar down as well. “So, after that, we should go somewhere warm. Where would you like to go?”

“Thailand.”

“Excellent choice.” Remus sighed.

“We should also look at some projects for you,” Sirius said, pointing to the stack of scripts that were sitting on his table.

“I think I should kiss you a bit first.”

“I agree.” Sirius smiled, taking a big step closer to Remus.

Life was good.

***

The days following the Oscars were filled with endless interviews about the movie, the awards, and also them. In the months following the Oscars and their getaway to Thailand, Sirius went to work on writing a new screenplay, and Remus finally picked a few projects to star in. They spent time apart but even when they weren’t together they were texting or Facetiming. When they were together, things were great. They bickered like any couple about daft things but nothing serious.

Sirius felt human, healthy if that made any sort of sense. He never thought he would be a relationship in his life but it was happening, and they were thriving. Even though it took a lot of work to get there, their sex life was fantastic too. That was something even more surprising to Sirius. But once he was able to let go of things finally, and actually work on his past without hiding it sort of began to fall into place.

For Christmas, Remus and Sirius decided to go to Greece for the holidays. Remus’ mum even made the flight down with his dad. They were joined by Bill, Reg, and the Tonks at the Potter’s. Sirius never thought he would have a quaint family life before. But here he was, enjoying his life with people that he genuinely cared about.

Professionally, he was doing well too. He couldn’t believe how far he had come in even a year. There was so much work before the last year, but what happened in that time in between was even more altering. He was now secure.

“Want to go for a walk?” Remus asked Sirius a little before dinner on New Year’s Eve. They had been lounging around the winery all day. They were staying in Sirius’ place on the island but a lot of their time was being spent with their families at the winery.

“Sure.” Sirius smiled at his boyfriend.

Remus led the way, and they took a path through the vines. Sirius smiled, feeling the warm sun on his face. He did love a good traditional cold Christmas, but he didn’t hate the warm sun of Greece anytime of the year. It took him a moment to realize that Remus had stopped walking. When he turned around, he found the other man on one knee holding a ring in his fingers.

“What are you doing?” Sirius felt stupid for asking because there was only one thing the other man could be doing.

“I’m asking you to marry me.”

“I thought you said before it’d take longer than seven months to make that choice. Solid year you said.”

“Sirius, I’ve loved you for longer than we’ve been together. You know that. I don’t want to lose you, and I hope you feel the same.”

“I do feel the same way. I can’t think of anything else in my life I could want.” Sirius said, finally walking closer to Remus.

“Good.” Remus slipped on the ring before standing up.

“I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” Remus kissed him slowly, holding on to him tight.

For a long time, Sirius never thought he’d be happy again. Remus wasn’t what made him happy and turned his life around, but he sure helped. Sirius was the one that finally chose his happiness. He had let go of his old demons and went for what he wanted in his life. Once he realized that he was the one in charge of his life and his feelings, things opened up. Now, he had everything it seemed.


End file.
